I know it's been a little while since I last posted anything. The reasons are good. I have been busy. Since my last posting, I have obtained a second job and have set the goal to get myself out of debt by June 2012. I don't have a lot of debt so hopefully this can be done fairly easily. However, I have a daughter who will cost me a pretty penny between now and then as well. She has extensive dental work to be done and will be in need of a car by the start of the next school year (her senior year).
In the past five weeks, I have grown a lot. I have had the opportunity to be a part of a silent retreat in which I learned quite a bit about myself. It was very emotional and enlightening. I'm looking forward to the next opportunity to be silent. My relationship with my daughter has grown and become more than I ever could have imagined. I am beginning to feel very blessed for the experience I have been in.
On Saturday (New Year's Eve), it will mark the twelfth week of the beginning of my new journey in life. And I must say, things have greatly improved for me. I no longer cry everyday and when I do cry now, it's not only about him. It's about a lot of things. It's just good for cleansing my heart and soul so I can open up for love and life in a new way. And if you're asking the question while reading this, "Is she FINALLY over him?", the answer is NO. I still love him as much today as I have loved him from the day I fell in love with him. However, the way I love him today is very different and changes everyday. I am learning to love completely with an open heart and a genuine selflessness that will hopefully one day soon allow me to let go completely. And that day will be one of great reward for me. I finally see just how confining it can be to love selfishly. What an eye opener.
Having said all of that, I will tell you that setting goals, spending amazing quality time with my daughter, living my life for me, learning how to love ME and being able to genuinely smile at myself in the mirror with love and respect for myself is truly changing my life. I set out on this journey for six months. Seeing where I am half way into it makes me want to work that much harder to feel that much better about the person I am and living the single life. It can be good, and I'm coming to terms with that.....slowly.
More to come soon.
Sending light and love to you all!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Week 7 - The Holidays Begin
This week is the week of Thanksgiving. I work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. Monday, I have lunch with my coworker who has been my "angel" for the duration of this growth experience I'm going through. The lunch place we went to is the first place that Mr. Wonderful and I had a date. I also interviewed and was hired for a part time job. This job is to sell spa gift certificates in a mall for the holidays. I'm excited to work for the spa however, my mind is in fear of "him" shopping at that mall alone or with a new girlfriend and me having to see him. I come home and cook dinner for my girl and I and off to bed much later than usual. I'm enjoying spending time with my daughter.
Tuesday, I have lunch with my sponsor to do a 5th stop on my mother and it was very pleasant. I also had a nice little miracle take place that day. I feel like I'm really being watched over. I have a Thanksgiving planning meeting and then home to my girl. Leftovers for dinner and off to bed later than usual.
Wednesday, I have NO motivation for working. We usually get off work early. I've still not heard from the owner of the salon to tell me what my schedule is for the weekend. I have lunch with a sponsee at the same place I had lunch with my coworker. Twice in one week is a little much. I'm feeling some pain. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I had been looking forward to cooking and spending time with who I thought was my "new" family. I'm also taking my daughter to her cousin's house tonight to spend the night with her and spend Thanksgiving with them and this will be the first year we've not spent the day together. I'm really having to practice letting go of people and it's very painful. I'm grateful to be meeting a friend for dinner and going to a meeting. I meet my lovely friend for dinner and we have a wonderful time chatting for a good while and a fantastic dinner, then off to the meeting where she will be sharing her story and I will be supporting her. This is a meeting that for 5 years I did not take part in and now this will be my 2nd time going there. One of my best friends asks me who I will be sitting with there and when I tell her I don't know, she offers to join me. WOW!!! Girl power! I'm so grateful. Then, low and behold, I'm asked to share my store for 10 min. Oh my gosh. I want so badly to say no, but I don't and it all goes fine. My friend that I had dinner with shares her story and it's fantastic. So many women there whom I love to death. I feel empowered when I leave and all I can think of is how grateful I am. I stay up late again watching TV and putting a puzzle together then off to bed.
Thursday I wake with a heart of gratitude. I spend the morning finishing my puzzle and getting my mac and cheese ready for the big Thanksgiving feast that I'm working and then off to spend the day with a bunch of drunks. What a gift (seriously!). I attend a meeting and then pick my daughter up. Arriving at the house I knew they had a few people over but what was really going on...the entire house (adults) were drunk. How uncomfortable!!! I literally wanted to cry. I felt so out of place and very vulnerable. My daughter picked up on it and bless her soul said let's go. WHEW!!! I was so glad to be out of there, but it put me in a funk. We saw a movie and now here I sit on my couch writing this out. I want so badly to be in a better place. But now that I'm home and the day has begun to wind down, I'm feeling a little heart sick. I think bed will be calling me soon. I really try to take my life, literally, a day at a time, but sometimes that's even hard for me. I wish all my wonderful friends and family a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you all for your support through this. I know I will be a strong, self loving woman when this part of my life is past...and I greatly appreciate your patience and love for me through it all.
I had this all typed out and never published it. Here was where I was at at week 7.
Tuesday, I have lunch with my sponsor to do a 5th stop on my mother and it was very pleasant. I also had a nice little miracle take place that day. I feel like I'm really being watched over. I have a Thanksgiving planning meeting and then home to my girl. Leftovers for dinner and off to bed later than usual.
Wednesday, I have NO motivation for working. We usually get off work early. I've still not heard from the owner of the salon to tell me what my schedule is for the weekend. I have lunch with a sponsee at the same place I had lunch with my coworker. Twice in one week is a little much. I'm feeling some pain. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I had been looking forward to cooking and spending time with who I thought was my "new" family. I'm also taking my daughter to her cousin's house tonight to spend the night with her and spend Thanksgiving with them and this will be the first year we've not spent the day together. I'm really having to practice letting go of people and it's very painful. I'm grateful to be meeting a friend for dinner and going to a meeting. I meet my lovely friend for dinner and we have a wonderful time chatting for a good while and a fantastic dinner, then off to the meeting where she will be sharing her story and I will be supporting her. This is a meeting that for 5 years I did not take part in and now this will be my 2nd time going there. One of my best friends asks me who I will be sitting with there and when I tell her I don't know, she offers to join me. WOW!!! Girl power! I'm so grateful. Then, low and behold, I'm asked to share my store for 10 min. Oh my gosh. I want so badly to say no, but I don't and it all goes fine. My friend that I had dinner with shares her story and it's fantastic. So many women there whom I love to death. I feel empowered when I leave and all I can think of is how grateful I am. I stay up late again watching TV and putting a puzzle together then off to bed.
Thursday I wake with a heart of gratitude. I spend the morning finishing my puzzle and getting my mac and cheese ready for the big Thanksgiving feast that I'm working and then off to spend the day with a bunch of drunks. What a gift (seriously!). I attend a meeting and then pick my daughter up. Arriving at the house I knew they had a few people over but what was really going on...the entire house (adults) were drunk. How uncomfortable!!! I literally wanted to cry. I felt so out of place and very vulnerable. My daughter picked up on it and bless her soul said let's go. WHEW!!! I was so glad to be out of there, but it put me in a funk. We saw a movie and now here I sit on my couch writing this out. I want so badly to be in a better place. But now that I'm home and the day has begun to wind down, I'm feeling a little heart sick. I think bed will be calling me soon. I really try to take my life, literally, a day at a time, but sometimes that's even hard for me. I wish all my wonderful friends and family a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you all for your support through this. I know I will be a strong, self loving woman when this part of my life is past...and I greatly appreciate your patience and love for me through it all.
I had this all typed out and never published it. Here was where I was at at week 7.
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