On October 8, 2011 my life took a very unexpected turn. This was the day I first experienced heartbreak from true love (at least the only kind I've known to date). I had been dating who I believed was the man of my dreams for nearly 8 months to the day. On this day, he broke up with me and it shattered my heart. I listened to what he had to say, which wasn't a whole lot in the way of an explanation and then I began calling people looking for support. I think I was less surprised than I should have been as I could feel him pulling away for a while, but I made myself believe that he was "The One" for me and I would not allow anything else to enter my mind. I remember saying early on that he would break my heart; but he was perfect in my mind and would never do such a thing. We wanted the same things in life, we had so many like interests and we were very similar. He had told me early on in our relationship that love scared him. He had said that he had been hurt. I had made a commitment and knew that it was true and real. Nothing could make me walk away from this relationship. I would fight. And fight I did, even after he told me he didn't think he could ever love me the way I deserved to be loved. What did that mean anyway? Two weeks after telling me that, he ended our relationship, thus beginning my new journey.
I have been on a beautiful spiritual journey for over 5 years now. But something was missing. I had no idea what it was, but I knew that I was lacking in the way of feeling. I don't have tight bonds with my family and I have ended numerous relationships in my life. I am very close to my daughter, but she's it. She's the only person who has ever sparked raw emotion...until HIM. I was terrified of giving my heart away. My therapist had told me to grow up and allow myself to love. She had said to me that love was about taking risks. Love meant giving myself to the person I loved unconditionally. And there I made a conscious decision. I decided that it would be better to love him and lose him than to not allow myself the opportunity to experience what could be true love with my life partner. So, I did just that. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept saying to myself over and over that I had broken many hearts and this man, whom I loved so purely was destined to break my heart. Maybe the power of my mind was more powerful than I knew at that time because that is exactly what happened. I've been reading lately that if you think it enough, it will happen. And I never believed that I deserved the love of a good man. My past haunts me.
In the months leading up to day 1, I had been working on the most intense self inventory of my sober life. It goes all the way back to childhood and looks at all of my intimate relationships (not just sexual, but intimate). It is a guide to show me my patterns and behaviors that have landed me right where I am. In looking at that Leigh Ann, who by the way I am no longer, I really began to not like that person very much. And knowing that I had been her created a lot of internal conflict. I was diligently working to sort through that and find some self forgiveness, hoping that my relationship with this lovely man would be strong enough for me to get through it while we were together. It wasn't; but not for lack of trying on both parts. Early on, we both worked hard to move forward in our relationship and do it in a healthy way. But sometimes things just aren't supposed to last.
Back to day 1. He ended our relationship and I started making phone calls. I cried literally for the rest of the day and night. I cried harder than I've ever cried over the loss of a man, because I had put myself out there. I had loved for the first time, with my whole heart. I grieved deeply. I was very confused and martyred. This man had shown me so much love prior to that day. But again, deep down, I knew it was coming. I just didn't want to see it. I had just spoken to my therapist the day before telling her that I felt myself being too overbearing. I was always making our plans, never really giving him the opportunity to ask me out. So it was suggested that I let him come to me. This was on Friday and he never came. Day 1 was the next day. Saturday he broke up with me. Other than grief, I really had no other emotion that day. I just cried.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
The Beginning
Who would have thought that at 35 years old, I would just be learning how to love myself? And let me tell you, it's going to be a LONG road.
It all started in July of 2010 when my ex-husband and I separated and I began a spiritual journey to find myself. I was in therapy, going to AA and working the 12 steps, sponsoring women and staying busy. I was reading self help books and meditating daily and felt I was really coming along, BUT, I had never been single. This was an internal problem for me. I had no idea how to live without a man. I made it a nearly 2 months before I developed a friendship with a person from my childhood that became a phone relationship with a man unlike any person I've ever known. Jealousy was not a trait I was used to dealing with and became quite concerned about how to deal with it. I went through a few short months of learning about setting boundaries and what I will and won't allow in my life and by the grace of God I never actually saw this person. During that time, a very attractive man, whom I had work on projects with for nearly 4 years and never thought of outside of professionalism, asked me out. I was a big girl, and said no. I really wanted to take time off from dating. It never occurred to me that the phone "relationship" I was in was, while not physical, still a part of my normal pattern in life with men. This attractive man and I continued to work together and I was very scared of the flirty contact because I did not want to fall into a physical relationship and was becoming quite attracted to him. However, I participated for a short time in the flirting and then finally after Christmas (I had not heard from him in a while), I sent him an email letting him know that I was moving out of the state; back home to North Carolina. We met for lunch that week and had a wonderful chat and decided to be great friends. Then we met for tea and tea again and the next thing I know, I'm completely in love and staying in Alaska (not just for him) and loving my life. I had it all. I was with the worlds greatest boyfriend, had a good daughter and life was just good. I lived in that bliss and stopped doing the step work on myself for more than 6 months. One day, I started realizing that I was falling into old patterns and my relationship with this wonderful man was changing. He was pulling away. I immediately jumped back into getting my inventory done and trying to NOT be so available. But it was too late. After 2 weeks after a wonderful weekend of "working on our relationship" he broke up with me.
I've never been more heartbroken in all my life. And I believe this is for a number of reasons.
1) I have finally felt true love
2) I have never been broken up with before.
3) I have never given my whole heart to ANYONE before (other than my daughter, of course)
4) For the first time, I felt raw emotion and grief and didn't know how to deal with it.
5) For the first time, in my sobriety, I wanted to drink.
On the day he broke up with me, my life changed and I've had no choice but to move forward, sometimes unwillingly, to learn how to love me. I have now idea how that works. So, I've been busy. This blog is my tell all for how I'm learning to love myself. Day one of my journey will be published soon. I'm three weeks into this journey so I have some catching up to do. I apologize in advance if you feel bombarded by blogs. They will slow down as I catch up.
I'm writing this for a select few who may be interested in following my journey. If you are not, let me know and I'll gladly remove you from the list.
It all started in July of 2010 when my ex-husband and I separated and I began a spiritual journey to find myself. I was in therapy, going to AA and working the 12 steps, sponsoring women and staying busy. I was reading self help books and meditating daily and felt I was really coming along, BUT, I had never been single. This was an internal problem for me. I had no idea how to live without a man. I made it a nearly 2 months before I developed a friendship with a person from my childhood that became a phone relationship with a man unlike any person I've ever known. Jealousy was not a trait I was used to dealing with and became quite concerned about how to deal with it. I went through a few short months of learning about setting boundaries and what I will and won't allow in my life and by the grace of God I never actually saw this person. During that time, a very attractive man, whom I had work on projects with for nearly 4 years and never thought of outside of professionalism, asked me out. I was a big girl, and said no. I really wanted to take time off from dating. It never occurred to me that the phone "relationship" I was in was, while not physical, still a part of my normal pattern in life with men. This attractive man and I continued to work together and I was very scared of the flirty contact because I did not want to fall into a physical relationship and was becoming quite attracted to him. However, I participated for a short time in the flirting and then finally after Christmas (I had not heard from him in a while), I sent him an email letting him know that I was moving out of the state; back home to North Carolina. We met for lunch that week and had a wonderful chat and decided to be great friends. Then we met for tea and tea again and the next thing I know, I'm completely in love and staying in Alaska (not just for him) and loving my life. I had it all. I was with the worlds greatest boyfriend, had a good daughter and life was just good. I lived in that bliss and stopped doing the step work on myself for more than 6 months. One day, I started realizing that I was falling into old patterns and my relationship with this wonderful man was changing. He was pulling away. I immediately jumped back into getting my inventory done and trying to NOT be so available. But it was too late. After 2 weeks after a wonderful weekend of "working on our relationship" he broke up with me.
I've never been more heartbroken in all my life. And I believe this is for a number of reasons.
1) I have finally felt true love
2) I have never been broken up with before.
3) I have never given my whole heart to ANYONE before (other than my daughter, of course)
4) For the first time, I felt raw emotion and grief and didn't know how to deal with it.
5) For the first time, in my sobriety, I wanted to drink.
On the day he broke up with me, my life changed and I've had no choice but to move forward, sometimes unwillingly, to learn how to love me. I have now idea how that works. So, I've been busy. This blog is my tell all for how I'm learning to love myself. Day one of my journey will be published soon. I'm three weeks into this journey so I have some catching up to do. I apologize in advance if you feel bombarded by blogs. They will slow down as I catch up.
I'm writing this for a select few who may be interested in following my journey. If you are not, let me know and I'll gladly remove you from the list.
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