The Beginning

Who would have thought that at 35 years old, I would just be learning how to love myself?  And let me tell you, it's going to be a LONG road.

It all started in July of 2010 when my ex-husband and I separated and I began a spiritual journey to find myself.  I was in therapy, going to AA and working the 12 steps, sponsoring women and staying busy.  I was reading self help books and meditating daily and felt I was really coming along, BUT, I had never been single.  This was an internal problem for me.  I had no idea how to live without a man.  I made it a nearly 2 months before I developed a friendship with a person from my childhood that became a phone relationship with a man unlike any person I've ever known.  Jealousy was not a trait I was used to dealing with and became quite concerned about how to deal with it.  I went through a few short months of learning about setting boundaries and what I will and won't allow in my life and by the grace of God I never actually saw this person.  During that time, a very attractive man, whom I had work on projects with for nearly 4 years and never thought of outside of professionalism, asked me out.  I was a big girl, and said no.  I really wanted to take time off from dating.  It never occurred to me that the phone "relationship" I was in was, while not physical, still a part of my normal pattern in life with men.  This attractive man and I continued to work together and I was very scared of the flirty contact because I did not want to fall into a physical relationship and was becoming quite attracted to him.  However, I participated for a short time in the flirting and then finally after Christmas (I had not heard from him in a while), I sent him an email letting him know that I was moving out of the state; back home to North Carolina.  We met for lunch that week and had a wonderful chat and decided to be great friends.  Then we met for tea and tea again and the next thing I know, I'm completely in love and staying in Alaska (not just for him) and loving my life.  I had it all.  I was with the worlds greatest boyfriend, had a good daughter and life was just good.  I lived in that bliss and stopped doing the step work on myself for more than 6 months.  One day, I started realizing that I was falling into old patterns and my relationship with this wonderful man was changing.  He was pulling away.  I immediately jumped back into getting my inventory done and trying to NOT be so available.  But it was too late.  After 2 weeks after a wonderful weekend of "working on our relationship" he broke up with me.

I've never been more heartbroken in all my life.  And I believe this is for a number of reasons.
1) I have finally felt true love
2) I have never been broken up with before.
3) I have never given my whole heart to ANYONE before (other than my daughter, of course)
4) For the first time, I felt raw emotion and grief and didn't know how to deal with it.
5) For the first time, in my sobriety, I wanted to drink.

On the day he broke up with me, my life changed and I've had no choice but to move forward, sometimes unwillingly, to learn how to love me.  I have now idea how that works.  So, I've been busy.  This blog is my tell all for how I'm learning to love myself.  Day one of my journey will be published soon.  I'm three weeks into this journey so I have some catching up to do.  I apologize in advance if you feel bombarded by blogs.  They will slow down as I catch up. 

I'm writing this for a select few who may be interested in following my journey.  If you are not, let me know and I'll gladly remove you from the list.