On October 8, 2011 my life took a very unexpected turn. This was the day I first experienced heartbreak from true love (at least the only kind I've known to date). I had been dating who I believed was the man of my dreams for nearly 8 months to the day. On this day, he broke up with me and it shattered my heart. I listened to what he had to say, which wasn't a whole lot in the way of an explanation and then I began calling people looking for support. I think I was less surprised than I should have been as I could feel him pulling away for a while, but I made myself believe that he was "The One" for me and I would not allow anything else to enter my mind. I remember saying early on that he would break my heart; but he was perfect in my mind and would never do such a thing. We wanted the same things in life, we had so many like interests and we were very similar. He had told me early on in our relationship that love scared him. He had said that he had been hurt. I had made a commitment and knew that it was true and real. Nothing could make me walk away from this relationship. I would fight. And fight I did, even after he told me he didn't think he could ever love me the way I deserved to be loved. What did that mean anyway? Two weeks after telling me that, he ended our relationship, thus beginning my new journey.
I have been on a beautiful spiritual journey for over 5 years now. But something was missing. I had no idea what it was, but I knew that I was lacking in the way of feeling. I don't have tight bonds with my family and I have ended numerous relationships in my life. I am very close to my daughter, but she's it. She's the only person who has ever sparked raw emotion...until HIM. I was terrified of giving my heart away. My therapist had told me to grow up and allow myself to love. She had said to me that love was about taking risks. Love meant giving myself to the person I loved unconditionally. And there I made a conscious decision. I decided that it would be better to love him and lose him than to not allow myself the opportunity to experience what could be true love with my life partner. So, I did just that. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept saying to myself over and over that I had broken many hearts and this man, whom I loved so purely was destined to break my heart. Maybe the power of my mind was more powerful than I knew at that time because that is exactly what happened. I've been reading lately that if you think it enough, it will happen. And I never believed that I deserved the love of a good man. My past haunts me.
In the months leading up to day 1, I had been working on the most intense self inventory of my sober life. It goes all the way back to childhood and looks at all of my intimate relationships (not just sexual, but intimate). It is a guide to show me my patterns and behaviors that have landed me right where I am. In looking at that Leigh Ann, who by the way I am no longer, I really began to not like that person very much. And knowing that I had been her created a lot of internal conflict. I was diligently working to sort through that and find some self forgiveness, hoping that my relationship with this lovely man would be strong enough for me to get through it while we were together. It wasn't; but not for lack of trying on both parts. Early on, we both worked hard to move forward in our relationship and do it in a healthy way. But sometimes things just aren't supposed to last.
Back to day 1. He ended our relationship and I started making phone calls. I cried literally for the rest of the day and night. I cried harder than I've ever cried over the loss of a man, because I had put myself out there. I had loved for the first time, with my whole heart. I grieved deeply. I was very confused and martyred. This man had shown me so much love prior to that day. But again, deep down, I knew it was coming. I just didn't want to see it. I had just spoken to my therapist the day before telling her that I felt myself being too overbearing. I was always making our plans, never really giving him the opportunity to ask me out. So it was suggested that I let him come to me. This was on Friday and he never came. Day 1 was the next day. Saturday he broke up with me. Other than grief, I really had no other emotion that day. I just cried.
No comments:
Post a Comment