The entire evening of day one is a blur. I don't really remember much of it at all. I don't remember who I spoke to or what I did.
Day two rolled around and I made a choice to try to follow through with my plans. I got up and my wonderful friend Julie came over to go to church with me. It was so nice having her with me. I cried a lot. After church I went to a meeting with her and then for a hike with Julie and Sue and some other friends of Sue's. I intentionally kept busy for as long as I could. I text and talked to people all day and evening. But when I finally came home to spend some time alone, it was time. Too much pent up sadness was there and I had to let it loose. Therefore, I came home and allowed myself a couple of hours to cry. I remember feeling like my heart was dying. There was genuine pain in my heart and not like chest pains from anxiety, but true heart pain. This as a feeling I never could have imagined feeling. I remember talking to my sponsor. I also met my friend that night that was working on this intense inventory with me and did some work on that. Much more crying. It was during that meeting with my dear friend that I made the decision to take a six month break from ALL relationships with men unless I'm in a meeting or at work.
I can remember that I had gotten to a point in my life when I was OK being alone, but I just didn't spend long enough getting to know me and learning to really love me, before that special person came along, to be successful in a new relationship. So I tell myself every day that this time alone is a good thing. I believe that it is...but it's so hard to do it. I've put so much trust and reliance in my relationships with men throughout my years that I'm completely lost. So the journey continues. Day two finally ends and I try to sleep. Sleep doesn't come very easily to me at this time. This is the first time in my life that I can remember that a relationship ending has created so much internal turmoil. Now what am I supposed to do.
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