Week five and six both comprised of me starting to learn who I am. While there was still some sobbing and crying every day, it wasn't just about Him anymore. I was starting to understand that I have a lot of baggage that I have not worked through. I've learned that 5 years of sobriety, while a good thing, must be done with rigorous honesty and that was a piece I had been missing. Not because I wasn't willing to do the work and be honest but because it just wasn't time yet for me to see all this. I have learned so much about myself. I haven't seen Him since Halloween and that's been very healing for me. I needed to get my head cleared and that's not so easy when the one major thing that sets me back becomes visible to me on a semi regular basis. So two weeks of no visual was a relief.
I've spent all of my spare time with my 16 year old daughter and/or girl friends who are so amazing and I'm so grateful to them. What strength they bring me! I had a very fun theme party at my house with the women who are closest to me. We had a ball. I've had a couple of friends over just to watch a movie and make homemade pizzas. I've seen a couple of movies with girlfriends. What I haven't done yet, is date myself. But I'm beginning to set goals and that's fun. Especially when I'm learning to love myself enough to believe I can fulfill them.
The holidays are rolling around though and that's going to be tough. I'm doing some volunteer work and buying for the needy. That will be very rewarding. My daughter and I will spend time together but fortunately for her, she has family here on her father's side so she won't be stuck with me all the time. I try to stay in the day, but can't help but wonder what my mood will be like.
So I'm writing this one on Monday the 21st of November. Yesterday was Sunday and I went to the movies with my daughter, His daughter and two other friends. When we dropped off his daughter he was sitting in his truck. I thought I was so much better, but I learned yesterday that I am not. Seeing him sent me into a spiral that caused me to cry like a baby and my head to really go crazy (I had racked up 2 or 3 days without crying prior to that). I text a few close friends and ended up talking to a couple of them and started feeling better but still not great. Today I have been OK. Talked a little more about it and then suddenly felt my mood shift a little and some girl power kick in.
So many, if not all, of my friends tell me that this most "perfect" man that I have been grieving over is not the one for me but because he treated me so well, he set the bar so high that the next relationship I'm in will be the someone amazing. I can't wrap my head around anyone better than him right now and I have seen way too many movies because I keep thinking of scenes from movies that match my current status in life. That makes me laugh. However, I will get to a point one day where I will be the strong independent woman that I aspire to be and I will be happy single and loving ME! It's coming. I just need to be patient (which is not one of my virtues).
So now you are all up to date and my posts from here on out will be current. Until next time....enjoy life!
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