Monday! I have to go back to work. I have to face all the people I work with and try to keep it together for the entire day. How am I going to do this? How am I supposed to do my job when all I can think about is MY loss? Well, I went to work and sat at my desk and didn't speak (which is very unusual for me). Seldom have I ever let something disrupt me at work and keep me from talking to everyone. What I did do, was obsess. I was on Facebook all day long watching to see if he was going to change his "relationship status". I had been doing this all weekend also. Just watching and waiting and it was suggested that I change my status before he changed his, but I couldn't. I was living in the hope that he would change his mind.
The entire work day went by and it seemed that everyone knew that something was wrong with me and no one asked any questions. They just left me alone. I did my job and the day went by slower than any day I can remember in my life. All I wanted to do was hide under my covers and cry. And for the first time in my sobriety, I wanted to die. This was something I didn't think I could handle but fortunately for me I have enough sobriety that I knew what to do. I stayed on the phone texting women all day long and just trying to keep it together. I am so very blessed, by the way. I work with a woman who is also in recovery and I've confided in her for 5 years but in this period of my life, God pushed me to rely on her for support and the strength that I didn't have. I told her what was going on and she instantly became my rock. Her love and compassion for me got me through the day. I cried off and on all day and was able to go to her office and close the door and just listen to her experience and spirituality.
I left work that day and went to my meeting to open it up. This is the first meeting I've ever really cried in. I could barely talk when it was my turn to share. People are seeing my weak side and I'm very uncomfortable with this. I'm not a crier. I didn't cry in meetings when my ex-husband and I split up. I'm a southern woman. I'm designed to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that everything is wonderful. All southern resolve is lost now.
Finally the meeting came to an end and driving home I check my Facebook page. Typing this now, I can feel my heart drop a little as I am remembering what that feeling was like for me. He changed his relationship status. Suddenly, it was real. He wasn't changing his mind. He hadn't made a mistake. He really didn't want me. Crying and driving is a dangerous event. I cried so hard that when I finally got in touch with my friend who was walking me through this different kind of inventory I am doing I was hysterical on the phone with her. My cries, by the time I walked in my door, were coming in gasps that sounded more like hyperventilating. My friend suggested that I not allow my daughter to see me like that but that, so I ran upstairs but of course she heard me and came running because she thought someone had died. Little did she know it was me (metaphorically). After I calmed down we spoke about it and I explained to her what had happened. Being young, I'm quite sure she didn't understand why that would hurt me so bad, but for me, it was worse than the day he broke up with me. It made it real!
Sleep was once again evaded me and so I cried, a lot. Day three finally came to an end!
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