Week 3 is the beginning of things getting a little better. I begin to find some acceptance.
Monday, I met with a priest who is incredibly spiritual and we had an opportunity to talk. In church that Sunday I had gotten upset about my life, realizing that I have never let go (forgiven myself) of my past behaviors. Therefore, on Monday, I beat myself up mentally. Finally, I shared with a few people how I was feeling less than and telling myself that the man I'm grieving over didn't want me because I wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah and they all were wonderful and gave me good positive thoughts to think about myself, which helped. I'm getting impatient at this point. I've never grieved the loss of a man so hard and I'm becoming irritated with myself. I am ready to feel good again. And the compulsion to drink kicks in again. So to meetings and doing step work I go.
Tuesday, I begin to believe that I am worth loving. I'm still crying everyday because I just miss him so much and I love him so much, but I am finally beginning to understand or think that maybe this isn't about me not being good enough. Maybe this is about HIM and what he needs to do for himself to be happy. And then the question; Why couldn't he be happy with me? The next thought that opens the hole in my heart even wider; I've created this kind of pain for others. I've left men with notes on the counter, notes on the pillow and very little explanation. That's just who I was. But I AM NOT HER ANYMORE! I did change. And I will continue to change.
Wednesday I get to see my therapist. She's so amazing. I cry through nearly the entire session and her sweet loving voice tells me that it's OK for me to cry. Crying is healing and it's possible that I'm not just grieving over him, but all my past relationships that I never properly grieved over and the way they ended. This is a breakthrough for me. It's a completely foreign concept. So I allow myself to cry without being mean or mad at me anymore. A little more acceptance.
Thursday I wake up thinking about him and go to bed thinking about him and I really get upset about missing him and his daughter. I've cried over missing her over the last two weeks but today it hits me VERY hard. She's so cute and we connected so well and MY daughter gets to see her but I don't? This just sucks! Allowing myself to feel is so new and I'm really proud of myself for this. The emotions are still so raw. I've started writing my attributes and a gratitude list (at the suggestion of my therapist) everyday beginning today.
Friday, all I can think about his HIM. I pray and cry a LOT. Then a thought comes to mind (again). What if this isn't about YOU? What if this is an opportunity for him to grow. It's OK to love him but I need to let him go. I believe this so much, but my heart diligently says NO! His daughter is comes over to have her make-up done by my daughter (I was originally supposed to do it) for a Halloween party. I'm so sad...but then...my daughter texts me and says that his daughter wants to stay at our house until I get home from work. OMG!!!! I get to see her. I'm so excited, I leave work 10 min early. I get home and only get to visit for a few minutes because I have to get my daughter to a party and she needs to go to hers. She calls her dad to come get her and fortunately, I don't have to see him (it usually makes me cry). I get to spend the evening alone in TV land and I'm actually enjoying it.
Saturday are so hard. Those are the days I got to cook all of us breakfast and sit around drinking coffee and talking. It was usually the only time during the week that we really got to talk. I get up and I'm soooo busy, I don't have time to think. Today I decide to work on loving me more than him. I go to a meeting, then walking with a friend, then meeting with a sponsee, then to a swim meet, then home for 2 hours and off to a movie with a girlfriend and a late dinner. WHEW!!! This was the first night I've had fun in 3 weeks! Oh....don't worry...I had my cry time! :) Always.
Sunday I go to church and a meeting. Then home to sit in front of the TV. It's my new drug when I don't want to feel. I lose myself in it and don't think. Tonight I realize that this is what I've done and I give myself some time to think and feel...then off to bed. Week 3 comes to an end. Will the pain EVER stop??? It's gotten better but no where near gone. Time will tell!
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