Each day in week #2 was a little more eye opening, but none were pain free.
I began my practice of meditation again. On Monday nothing too special happened. I went to work, cried at work. Went to my meeting and went home. I began to believe that my love for this man is unhealthy because I can't let go. In the same thought, I realized that nine days isn't nearly long enough to get over someone. All I can seem to do is question myself. Where did I go wrong? What's wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Negativity seems to be the only thought pattern I have.
Tuesday came the realization that I have an abnormal definition of intimacy. The only intimacy I've ever acknowledged is with a man. Now it's time to find out what intimate relationships with women and primarily myself can be like. I have a dinner with vendor reps on this night and it doesn't start until six. A book had been recommended to me by a friend so I go to the used bookstore to get it. Guess who is in the same shopping center having dinner? You guessed it. The great love I lost and his daughter. I am so nervous about running into them and fear sets in that maybe he's already seeing a new woman that I am shaking. I get my shopping done and get into my car and as I'm pulling out they are getting into his truck (without another woman). I see them as I'm getting ready to turn to the exit so instead I drive further through the parking lot to get out of the shopping center and lose it. I start calling everyone. I finally make it to dinner and because of my mind set, dinner isn't so fun. All I want is to go home and isolate. My wonderful sponsor tells me I'm putting too much pressure on myself to NOT see him and that I need to let it go. It's about NOT having a relationship. That's all.
Wednesday my daughter gets a driving lesson with him and when she gets home she tells me that he has explained to her why he broke up with me. She cannot remember what started this conversation she says, but that his reason was that I liked him more than he liked me. I was beside myself. I began crying and she went upstairs. I called him and asked him to NEVER discuss he and I with my daughter again. And after getting off the phone with him and having some time to process this, I was sickened by that description for our breakup. "LIKING EACH OTHER?" This is a man that I could truly see spending the rest of my life with but we only "liked" each other. Wow! I went to a new meeting that I had never gone to before. It's been a VERY sad day for me. I'm obsessing, but not about him. I'm obsessing about finding a way to not feel anymore. I can't take the pain anymore. I feel like Bella from the Twilight series when she describes the hole she feels in her heart when her Edward leaves her. The hole is so large and so empty and I can't seem to find a way to fill it. My faith in God is beginning to wane and the thought of drinking enters my mind. This is scary as hell. I start playing that scenario out in my mind. I knew I could shut off the feelings and numb myself. Fortunately I have enough recovery to keep myself from going to the store. I go home and go to bed.
Thursday comes and I'm angry all day. I mean pissed and then I'm asked to find a topic for our meeting. I can't remember what the topic was that I chose but it was right in line with where I am in life (par for the course). I cry through my entire share and tell on myself that I want to drink. This is a big deal to me since I've been sober for 5 years and suddenly I want to drink. What I'm beginning to understand is that much of those 5 years was spent in ego. I've not hit an emotional bottom like this in my life and checking out is my solution when things get tough. At this point, I really begin leaning on people harder. I'm terrified to get drunk but I REALLY WANT TO! I make it through another day.
Friday I am very sad (making up for my angry day I guess) and work sucks. My daughter has a driving lesson in my car that night and I have a Pampered Chef show to do for my friend who lives in my neighborhood. So I go to her house to drop my stuff off and then take my car back. As I'm leaving to walk to her house I see him pulling in and hiding so I don't have to see him. I know that he's only doing this because I told him that I didn't want to see him, but I feel very childish. So I go to his truck and tell him that it's OK (for me) to say hello and that we don't need to duck and run anymore every time we see one another. This is a huge growth step for me. I get to my friends house and can barely keep it together, but they help me through it.
Saturday is women's retreat time. My girlfriend and I decide to go down early so we can spend some time together and we have a very nice morning. When everyone else gets there we go for a long hike and I have the opportunity to do a 5th step with my sponsor on HIM. It's very painful. We have a nice time that night but I can't get off Facebook. I'm posting pictures like crazy and then he posts something about not having a life on a Saturday night. And his ex-girlfriend posts a comment on there to which he replies with an ROFL at the end. I'm more than devastated. This is literally two weeks to the day after we break up and he's communicating with his ex-girlfriend. I don't sleep that night (much) and when I do I have horrible dreams. So Sunday morning I decide it's time to shut my Facebook down. I post that I'm doing this and HE posts a comment on there. The of course, I reply and finally that night after taking my daughter to a movie, I shut it down. I true separation is now taking place and every time I take a step like this it's like breaking up all over again. I cry as soon as I get to bed and finally the weekend comes to an end and I sleep.
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