As week four rolls around, things are starting to get a little less intense.
Monday is Halloween and I know that his daughter is supposed to be coming over to get her makeup done again. I anticipate that they will be done before I get off work so I make arrangements to miss my meeting and go straight home so I can hand out candy to the little trick-or-treaters because I just love them. I'm so excited. Well, low and behold, my daughter's plans get canceled and he can't bring over his daughter until 6:00 because she has her after school martial arts class. So I go home and then she shows up and of course, is sweet as can be and very excited to be there. She gets her makeup done only to tell us that she has no one to trick-or-treat with. So, she ends up spending the entire evening with us. I'm so pleased and she snuggles right up to me and we watch TV together (all three of us, my daughter too) and we laugh and have so much fun. I make hot cocoa for them and she hands out the candy to all the trick-or-treaters. It's a wonderful evening. Then he comes to get her and they leave and I cry. Why do I cry? Why do I allow the pain in? My daughter says to me that I can't see him anymore. She's so sweet and quite protective of her mother, I'm learning.
Tuesday morning I write in my journal that I have decided to allow my daughter and her relationship with him to be of their own business. I will stay out of it. Then I write that I think I'm over him. That's too funny. I'm so far from over him. But I want to believe, if only for a moment, that I am. I want to be free of the pain. All day I talked myself into believe that he's so much happier without me and that I'm the one who's not good enough. It was pretty sick. I'm glad this day is over.
Wednesday morning, I wake up feeling pretty icky. I remind myself that it's not all about me and that God has my back. I remind myself that I don't NEED this man and that's the key. I just want hm. I also remind myself that I've ended relationships abruptly in the past and thought of how those people might have felt. Then I got into a place of empathy for them. I had the wonderful pleasure of giving my lovely sponsor her 23 year sobriety coin and chairing the meeting with her and another beautiful friend. Then, I burned my 4th step with my sponsor. OH WOW!!! That was something else. If felt empowering. This was the first day I didn't shed tears. I'm so proud of myself.
Thursday, I paid for not crying the day before. Oh my gosh. The pain is so bad, it feels like I'm back in week one. I'm obsessing over whether he's dating already. I'm terrified of running into him with a another woman. I'm terrified of him being much happier without me. I want so badly for him to love me as much as I love him and so all day I feel and I feel and I feel and I want to drink again. By the time evening rolls around, I'm getting to a better place. Had my meeting and that always makes me feel better. Wishing the time would just heal me quicker.
Friday is the first day that I didn't wake with the sadness of loss. I woke with HOPE. And as soon as I realize it, fear sets in. I'm really a mess here. I can't figure out which emotion to have. I finished the book I'm reading "A Return to Love" and it is so beautiful. I'm suddenly starting to realize that I have a very deep rooted fear of the changes that are taking place in my life. I'm terrified of what the outcome will be. Living in the day is not coming easy. All I can think about is the why of the break up that I don't and may never have the answers to and the unknown of the future. My gratitude for what I have right here, right now, is not there. I have a long talk with my sponsor about where my head is at. I've decided that I'm very worried about him hurting my daughter. What if he starts dating and drops her like a hot potato. If he hurts her, I will be so mad at him. Thank God I talk to people before I send an email or text to him. Then I'm directed to do a 4th step on God. WHOA! That's intense. But I'm soooo willing to do whatever I need to do to stay sober and get happy.
Saturday marks four weeks. I can't believe it's been a month. There is still such a hole in my heart. It's so big. I miss him so much today. I wake up and want to roll over and find him next to me to cuddle with. I miss his smell, I miss his arms around me, I miss making us coffee and talking. I miss his daughter. I miss it all. I really believe that I had it all. I just wish he believed that. I'm beginning to feel like a desperate woman. I have NO IDEA how to be single. I have no idea what to do next. I'm resentful at having to figure out what to do every weekend. It's so depressing for me. I have hope that one day I will embrace this new life.
Sunday didn't bring much to the table. I wrote a letter to God and did some step work. Went to church and a meeting. Then home to hang with my kiddo. That's about it. Oh and I've cried everyday since Wednesday. I guess I'm not done yet.
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