Tuesday was not much better than Monday in the way of my sadness. Actually it was no better; crying all day was what I did. My work angel was there to hear me, love me and share with me. She continued to bring God into my head as I worked desperately to keep all thoughts except the loss out. She gently spoon fed me little bits of spirituality all day. She gave me tissues and hugs and shared tears with me (only hers were of the joy she feels in sharing her spiritual awakening).
I made it through another day at work (which I don't really remember what took place that day other than crying) and then had an Intergroup meeting. I am the chairperson for Intergroup so I had no choice but to be there and I'm supposed to be trying to stay busy. UGH! So off to the meeting I go where I get to act as if. I actually was able to put things out of my head for an hour.
One thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post titled Day 1 was that the day he broke up with me, he said that he really wanted to be my friend...he was BSing me but that he didn't want me to agree to be his friend if I was hoping he would change how he feels about me and that he was willing to continue teaching my daughter how to drive (because I don't have the patience to work with her). So on this day (#4) the man whom I'm missing so much is teaching my daughter how to drive while I'm at the meeting. And I beat them home. I had prayed on my way home that if I was meant to see him, I would deal with it. And when I got home and saw that they weren't there yet, I knew I needed to talk to him. I sent him a text and asked if we could talk and he said sure. Then he walked in and said hello as if it were just another day. New heartbreak! My head told me he really doesn't care. But my heart won't believe that. I gave him his stuff back and he had returned mine and we stepped outside to talk. I proceeded to tell him that there was no way I could be his friend and have no motive. I said that I was taking six months to heal and learn to love myself and I told him that I hoped that one day he would open his heart to love again (internally hoping it would be me). I have seen what he is like when his heart was opened and he was offering love and it's AMAZING! I told him that I wasn't pushing him out of my life but that I wasn't willing to have any kind of relationship with him until I was healed. He was very cooperative and said he would respect that but that he would mark his calendar for when I would be available again. This wasn't good for my head either as it made think that maybe he really does love me and it gave me false hope.
I cried again on this night and eventually fell asleep waking at 4:00AM (which I had been doing for days now).
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