More than 23 weeks later and I'm sill alive and still kicking. More so now than ever. It took what it took for me to get where I am today and I'm still learning and still growing but the pain is GONE! Thank God!
Since I last wrote, I was approaching three months from the day my life changed. At that time, I was beginning to see things from a better view. I wasn't looking at life as it had come to an end any longer. But I still had a long way to go.
During the month of December, I was sort of a shell walking around trying to figure out what to do with my life. I had had it all planned out to spend Christmas and the rest of my life with this guy. Now, I was spending Christmas alone. I didn't want to be that sob story who sat inside and did nothing for the holidays (I had done that the Christmas before), so I made a plan. I chaired a meeting Christmas Eve, went to midnight mass with a dear friend, shared Christmas morning with my wonderful daughter and then took her to her family's house. Finally, I headed over to the soup kitchen for the homeless and served until they wouldn't let me serve anymore. What a gift!!!! I have so much good in my life and I have been moping around all this time. At that point it became apparent to me that I could actually get past this terrible place that I'm in and move forward....but when? Then I became 100% convinced that it would be at the turn of the year. And I set my sights on that day.
New Years Eve rolled around and low and behold I HAD A PARTY. It turned out to be women only, which was perfect for my state of mind. We rang in the new year and everyone went home by 1:00 am. I began to feel different. I woke up the next day and the cloud of gloom was gone!!! I saw a bright future and rejoiced in it. I felt relief and no more sadness. And FINALLY I understood what those wonderful women had been telling me for so long.
I got up and went to the mirror and felt nothing but love. The most important, underlying part of that sentence is that the person I felt the most love for was ME. That had never happened. I really just wanted to take care of me. And I knew that if I really wanted to take care of me and I did so, then when it came time to take care of my daughter, I could and would with no questions. I had faith that all would be OK.
Today as I write this post, it's March 20th and the first day of spring. I'm 2.5 weeks away from the official 6 month date from the day he ended our relationship and I am truly grateful to that wonderful man for what he gave me. He doesn't know it and may never know it, but he gave me freedom, through pain, that I've never known and never could have imagined. I'm happier today with who I am and where my life is headed than any of my 36 years past. And I love today, like I've never loved, with purity and sincerity and with all my heart. God willing, my love for all people is unconditional, but most times I have to work on that piece. I have bonds today with women that I never knew I could have and I'm forming friendships with men that are just that...friendships with no agenda (on my part) and a true desire to see everyone happy, including the one who was so special to me. I still miss him as we were great friends but I don't crave that relationship any longer and that is a gift.
To those of you who have kept up with this blog, thank you. You have been my inspiration to keep writing. I apologize for not writing for so long. But you know...life has gotten good and I forgot to share that part with you all. Not anymore. I will try to do better. Because the title of this blog is Live, Laugh, Love for a reason and that's what I get to do today.
Until next time....keep on keepin' on.!!!!
Love,
Leigh Ann
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Approaching Three Months
I know it's been a little while since I last posted anything. The reasons are good. I have been busy. Since my last posting, I have obtained a second job and have set the goal to get myself out of debt by June 2012. I don't have a lot of debt so hopefully this can be done fairly easily. However, I have a daughter who will cost me a pretty penny between now and then as well. She has extensive dental work to be done and will be in need of a car by the start of the next school year (her senior year).
In the past five weeks, I have grown a lot. I have had the opportunity to be a part of a silent retreat in which I learned quite a bit about myself. It was very emotional and enlightening. I'm looking forward to the next opportunity to be silent. My relationship with my daughter has grown and become more than I ever could have imagined. I am beginning to feel very blessed for the experience I have been in.
On Saturday (New Year's Eve), it will mark the twelfth week of the beginning of my new journey in life. And I must say, things have greatly improved for me. I no longer cry everyday and when I do cry now, it's not only about him. It's about a lot of things. It's just good for cleansing my heart and soul so I can open up for love and life in a new way. And if you're asking the question while reading this, "Is she FINALLY over him?", the answer is NO. I still love him as much today as I have loved him from the day I fell in love with him. However, the way I love him today is very different and changes everyday. I am learning to love completely with an open heart and a genuine selflessness that will hopefully one day soon allow me to let go completely. And that day will be one of great reward for me. I finally see just how confining it can be to love selfishly. What an eye opener.
Having said all of that, I will tell you that setting goals, spending amazing quality time with my daughter, living my life for me, learning how to love ME and being able to genuinely smile at myself in the mirror with love and respect for myself is truly changing my life. I set out on this journey for six months. Seeing where I am half way into it makes me want to work that much harder to feel that much better about the person I am and living the single life. It can be good, and I'm coming to terms with that.....slowly.
More to come soon.
Sending light and love to you all!
In the past five weeks, I have grown a lot. I have had the opportunity to be a part of a silent retreat in which I learned quite a bit about myself. It was very emotional and enlightening. I'm looking forward to the next opportunity to be silent. My relationship with my daughter has grown and become more than I ever could have imagined. I am beginning to feel very blessed for the experience I have been in.
On Saturday (New Year's Eve), it will mark the twelfth week of the beginning of my new journey in life. And I must say, things have greatly improved for me. I no longer cry everyday and when I do cry now, it's not only about him. It's about a lot of things. It's just good for cleansing my heart and soul so I can open up for love and life in a new way. And if you're asking the question while reading this, "Is she FINALLY over him?", the answer is NO. I still love him as much today as I have loved him from the day I fell in love with him. However, the way I love him today is very different and changes everyday. I am learning to love completely with an open heart and a genuine selflessness that will hopefully one day soon allow me to let go completely. And that day will be one of great reward for me. I finally see just how confining it can be to love selfishly. What an eye opener.
Having said all of that, I will tell you that setting goals, spending amazing quality time with my daughter, living my life for me, learning how to love ME and being able to genuinely smile at myself in the mirror with love and respect for myself is truly changing my life. I set out on this journey for six months. Seeing where I am half way into it makes me want to work that much harder to feel that much better about the person I am and living the single life. It can be good, and I'm coming to terms with that.....slowly.
More to come soon.
Sending light and love to you all!
Week 7 - The Holidays Begin
This week is the week of Thanksgiving. I work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. Monday, I have lunch with my coworker who has been my "angel" for the duration of this growth experience I'm going through. The lunch place we went to is the first place that Mr. Wonderful and I had a date. I also interviewed and was hired for a part time job. This job is to sell spa gift certificates in a mall for the holidays. I'm excited to work for the spa however, my mind is in fear of "him" shopping at that mall alone or with a new girlfriend and me having to see him. I come home and cook dinner for my girl and I and off to bed much later than usual. I'm enjoying spending time with my daughter.
Tuesday, I have lunch with my sponsor to do a 5th stop on my mother and it was very pleasant. I also had a nice little miracle take place that day. I feel like I'm really being watched over. I have a Thanksgiving planning meeting and then home to my girl. Leftovers for dinner and off to bed later than usual.
Wednesday, I have NO motivation for working. We usually get off work early. I've still not heard from the owner of the salon to tell me what my schedule is for the weekend. I have lunch with a sponsee at the same place I had lunch with my coworker. Twice in one week is a little much. I'm feeling some pain. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I had been looking forward to cooking and spending time with who I thought was my "new" family. I'm also taking my daughter to her cousin's house tonight to spend the night with her and spend Thanksgiving with them and this will be the first year we've not spent the day together. I'm really having to practice letting go of people and it's very painful. I'm grateful to be meeting a friend for dinner and going to a meeting. I meet my lovely friend for dinner and we have a wonderful time chatting for a good while and a fantastic dinner, then off to the meeting where she will be sharing her story and I will be supporting her. This is a meeting that for 5 years I did not take part in and now this will be my 2nd time going there. One of my best friends asks me who I will be sitting with there and when I tell her I don't know, she offers to join me. WOW!!! Girl power! I'm so grateful. Then, low and behold, I'm asked to share my store for 10 min. Oh my gosh. I want so badly to say no, but I don't and it all goes fine. My friend that I had dinner with shares her story and it's fantastic. So many women there whom I love to death. I feel empowered when I leave and all I can think of is how grateful I am. I stay up late again watching TV and putting a puzzle together then off to bed.
Thursday I wake with a heart of gratitude. I spend the morning finishing my puzzle and getting my mac and cheese ready for the big Thanksgiving feast that I'm working and then off to spend the day with a bunch of drunks. What a gift (seriously!). I attend a meeting and then pick my daughter up. Arriving at the house I knew they had a few people over but what was really going on...the entire house (adults) were drunk. How uncomfortable!!! I literally wanted to cry. I felt so out of place and very vulnerable. My daughter picked up on it and bless her soul said let's go. WHEW!!! I was so glad to be out of there, but it put me in a funk. We saw a movie and now here I sit on my couch writing this out. I want so badly to be in a better place. But now that I'm home and the day has begun to wind down, I'm feeling a little heart sick. I think bed will be calling me soon. I really try to take my life, literally, a day at a time, but sometimes that's even hard for me. I wish all my wonderful friends and family a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you all for your support through this. I know I will be a strong, self loving woman when this part of my life is past...and I greatly appreciate your patience and love for me through it all.
I had this all typed out and never published it. Here was where I was at at week 7.
Tuesday, I have lunch with my sponsor to do a 5th stop on my mother and it was very pleasant. I also had a nice little miracle take place that day. I feel like I'm really being watched over. I have a Thanksgiving planning meeting and then home to my girl. Leftovers for dinner and off to bed later than usual.
Wednesday, I have NO motivation for working. We usually get off work early. I've still not heard from the owner of the salon to tell me what my schedule is for the weekend. I have lunch with a sponsee at the same place I had lunch with my coworker. Twice in one week is a little much. I'm feeling some pain. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I had been looking forward to cooking and spending time with who I thought was my "new" family. I'm also taking my daughter to her cousin's house tonight to spend the night with her and spend Thanksgiving with them and this will be the first year we've not spent the day together. I'm really having to practice letting go of people and it's very painful. I'm grateful to be meeting a friend for dinner and going to a meeting. I meet my lovely friend for dinner and we have a wonderful time chatting for a good while and a fantastic dinner, then off to the meeting where she will be sharing her story and I will be supporting her. This is a meeting that for 5 years I did not take part in and now this will be my 2nd time going there. One of my best friends asks me who I will be sitting with there and when I tell her I don't know, she offers to join me. WOW!!! Girl power! I'm so grateful. Then, low and behold, I'm asked to share my store for 10 min. Oh my gosh. I want so badly to say no, but I don't and it all goes fine. My friend that I had dinner with shares her story and it's fantastic. So many women there whom I love to death. I feel empowered when I leave and all I can think of is how grateful I am. I stay up late again watching TV and putting a puzzle together then off to bed.
Thursday I wake with a heart of gratitude. I spend the morning finishing my puzzle and getting my mac and cheese ready for the big Thanksgiving feast that I'm working and then off to spend the day with a bunch of drunks. What a gift (seriously!). I attend a meeting and then pick my daughter up. Arriving at the house I knew they had a few people over but what was really going on...the entire house (adults) were drunk. How uncomfortable!!! I literally wanted to cry. I felt so out of place and very vulnerable. My daughter picked up on it and bless her soul said let's go. WHEW!!! I was so glad to be out of there, but it put me in a funk. We saw a movie and now here I sit on my couch writing this out. I want so badly to be in a better place. But now that I'm home and the day has begun to wind down, I'm feeling a little heart sick. I think bed will be calling me soon. I really try to take my life, literally, a day at a time, but sometimes that's even hard for me. I wish all my wonderful friends and family a Happy Thanksgiving and thank you all for your support through this. I know I will be a strong, self loving woman when this part of my life is past...and I greatly appreciate your patience and love for me through it all.
I had this all typed out and never published it. Here was where I was at at week 7.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Week 5 and 6 - Finding Me
Week five and six both comprised of me starting to learn who I am. While there was still some sobbing and crying every day, it wasn't just about Him anymore. I was starting to understand that I have a lot of baggage that I have not worked through. I've learned that 5 years of sobriety, while a good thing, must be done with rigorous honesty and that was a piece I had been missing. Not because I wasn't willing to do the work and be honest but because it just wasn't time yet for me to see all this. I have learned so much about myself. I haven't seen Him since Halloween and that's been very healing for me. I needed to get my head cleared and that's not so easy when the one major thing that sets me back becomes visible to me on a semi regular basis. So two weeks of no visual was a relief.
I've spent all of my spare time with my 16 year old daughter and/or girl friends who are so amazing and I'm so grateful to them. What strength they bring me! I had a very fun theme party at my house with the women who are closest to me. We had a ball. I've had a couple of friends over just to watch a movie and make homemade pizzas. I've seen a couple of movies with girlfriends. What I haven't done yet, is date myself. But I'm beginning to set goals and that's fun. Especially when I'm learning to love myself enough to believe I can fulfill them.
The holidays are rolling around though and that's going to be tough. I'm doing some volunteer work and buying for the needy. That will be very rewarding. My daughter and I will spend time together but fortunately for her, she has family here on her father's side so she won't be stuck with me all the time. I try to stay in the day, but can't help but wonder what my mood will be like.
So I'm writing this one on Monday the 21st of November. Yesterday was Sunday and I went to the movies with my daughter, His daughter and two other friends. When we dropped off his daughter he was sitting in his truck. I thought I was so much better, but I learned yesterday that I am not. Seeing him sent me into a spiral that caused me to cry like a baby and my head to really go crazy (I had racked up 2 or 3 days without crying prior to that). I text a few close friends and ended up talking to a couple of them and started feeling better but still not great. Today I have been OK. Talked a little more about it and then suddenly felt my mood shift a little and some girl power kick in.
So many, if not all, of my friends tell me that this most "perfect" man that I have been grieving over is not the one for me but because he treated me so well, he set the bar so high that the next relationship I'm in will be the someone amazing. I can't wrap my head around anyone better than him right now and I have seen way too many movies because I keep thinking of scenes from movies that match my current status in life. That makes me laugh. However, I will get to a point one day where I will be the strong independent woman that I aspire to be and I will be happy single and loving ME! It's coming. I just need to be patient (which is not one of my virtues).
So now you are all up to date and my posts from here on out will be current. Until next time....enjoy life!
I've spent all of my spare time with my 16 year old daughter and/or girl friends who are so amazing and I'm so grateful to them. What strength they bring me! I had a very fun theme party at my house with the women who are closest to me. We had a ball. I've had a couple of friends over just to watch a movie and make homemade pizzas. I've seen a couple of movies with girlfriends. What I haven't done yet, is date myself. But I'm beginning to set goals and that's fun. Especially when I'm learning to love myself enough to believe I can fulfill them.
The holidays are rolling around though and that's going to be tough. I'm doing some volunteer work and buying for the needy. That will be very rewarding. My daughter and I will spend time together but fortunately for her, she has family here on her father's side so she won't be stuck with me all the time. I try to stay in the day, but can't help but wonder what my mood will be like.
So I'm writing this one on Monday the 21st of November. Yesterday was Sunday and I went to the movies with my daughter, His daughter and two other friends. When we dropped off his daughter he was sitting in his truck. I thought I was so much better, but I learned yesterday that I am not. Seeing him sent me into a spiral that caused me to cry like a baby and my head to really go crazy (I had racked up 2 or 3 days without crying prior to that). I text a few close friends and ended up talking to a couple of them and started feeling better but still not great. Today I have been OK. Talked a little more about it and then suddenly felt my mood shift a little and some girl power kick in.
So many, if not all, of my friends tell me that this most "perfect" man that I have been grieving over is not the one for me but because he treated me so well, he set the bar so high that the next relationship I'm in will be the someone amazing. I can't wrap my head around anyone better than him right now and I have seen way too many movies because I keep thinking of scenes from movies that match my current status in life. That makes me laugh. However, I will get to a point one day where I will be the strong independent woman that I aspire to be and I will be happy single and loving ME! It's coming. I just need to be patient (which is not one of my virtues).
So now you are all up to date and my posts from here on out will be current. Until next time....enjoy life!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Week 4 - Beginning to Awaken
As week four rolls around, things are starting to get a little less intense.
Monday is Halloween and I know that his daughter is supposed to be coming over to get her makeup done again. I anticipate that they will be done before I get off work so I make arrangements to miss my meeting and go straight home so I can hand out candy to the little trick-or-treaters because I just love them. I'm so excited. Well, low and behold, my daughter's plans get canceled and he can't bring over his daughter until 6:00 because she has her after school martial arts class. So I go home and then she shows up and of course, is sweet as can be and very excited to be there. She gets her makeup done only to tell us that she has no one to trick-or-treat with. So, she ends up spending the entire evening with us. I'm so pleased and she snuggles right up to me and we watch TV together (all three of us, my daughter too) and we laugh and have so much fun. I make hot cocoa for them and she hands out the candy to all the trick-or-treaters. It's a wonderful evening. Then he comes to get her and they leave and I cry. Why do I cry? Why do I allow the pain in? My daughter says to me that I can't see him anymore. She's so sweet and quite protective of her mother, I'm learning.
Tuesday morning I write in my journal that I have decided to allow my daughter and her relationship with him to be of their own business. I will stay out of it. Then I write that I think I'm over him. That's too funny. I'm so far from over him. But I want to believe, if only for a moment, that I am. I want to be free of the pain. All day I talked myself into believe that he's so much happier without me and that I'm the one who's not good enough. It was pretty sick. I'm glad this day is over.
Wednesday morning, I wake up feeling pretty icky. I remind myself that it's not all about me and that God has my back. I remind myself that I don't NEED this man and that's the key. I just want hm. I also remind myself that I've ended relationships abruptly in the past and thought of how those people might have felt. Then I got into a place of empathy for them. I had the wonderful pleasure of giving my lovely sponsor her 23 year sobriety coin and chairing the meeting with her and another beautiful friend. Then, I burned my 4th step with my sponsor. OH WOW!!! That was something else. If felt empowering. This was the first day I didn't shed tears. I'm so proud of myself.
Thursday, I paid for not crying the day before. Oh my gosh. The pain is so bad, it feels like I'm back in week one. I'm obsessing over whether he's dating already. I'm terrified of running into him with a another woman. I'm terrified of him being much happier without me. I want so badly for him to love me as much as I love him and so all day I feel and I feel and I feel and I want to drink again. By the time evening rolls around, I'm getting to a better place. Had my meeting and that always makes me feel better. Wishing the time would just heal me quicker.
Friday is the first day that I didn't wake with the sadness of loss. I woke with HOPE. And as soon as I realize it, fear sets in. I'm really a mess here. I can't figure out which emotion to have. I finished the book I'm reading "A Return to Love" and it is so beautiful. I'm suddenly starting to realize that I have a very deep rooted fear of the changes that are taking place in my life. I'm terrified of what the outcome will be. Living in the day is not coming easy. All I can think about is the why of the break up that I don't and may never have the answers to and the unknown of the future. My gratitude for what I have right here, right now, is not there. I have a long talk with my sponsor about where my head is at. I've decided that I'm very worried about him hurting my daughter. What if he starts dating and drops her like a hot potato. If he hurts her, I will be so mad at him. Thank God I talk to people before I send an email or text to him. Then I'm directed to do a 4th step on God. WHOA! That's intense. But I'm soooo willing to do whatever I need to do to stay sober and get happy.
Saturday marks four weeks. I can't believe it's been a month. There is still such a hole in my heart. It's so big. I miss him so much today. I wake up and want to roll over and find him next to me to cuddle with. I miss his smell, I miss his arms around me, I miss making us coffee and talking. I miss his daughter. I miss it all. I really believe that I had it all. I just wish he believed that. I'm beginning to feel like a desperate woman. I have NO IDEA how to be single. I have no idea what to do next. I'm resentful at having to figure out what to do every weekend. It's so depressing for me. I have hope that one day I will embrace this new life.
Sunday didn't bring much to the table. I wrote a letter to God and did some step work. Went to church and a meeting. Then home to hang with my kiddo. That's about it. Oh and I've cried everyday since Wednesday. I guess I'm not done yet.
Monday is Halloween and I know that his daughter is supposed to be coming over to get her makeup done again. I anticipate that they will be done before I get off work so I make arrangements to miss my meeting and go straight home so I can hand out candy to the little trick-or-treaters because I just love them. I'm so excited. Well, low and behold, my daughter's plans get canceled and he can't bring over his daughter until 6:00 because she has her after school martial arts class. So I go home and then she shows up and of course, is sweet as can be and very excited to be there. She gets her makeup done only to tell us that she has no one to trick-or-treat with. So, she ends up spending the entire evening with us. I'm so pleased and she snuggles right up to me and we watch TV together (all three of us, my daughter too) and we laugh and have so much fun. I make hot cocoa for them and she hands out the candy to all the trick-or-treaters. It's a wonderful evening. Then he comes to get her and they leave and I cry. Why do I cry? Why do I allow the pain in? My daughter says to me that I can't see him anymore. She's so sweet and quite protective of her mother, I'm learning.
Tuesday morning I write in my journal that I have decided to allow my daughter and her relationship with him to be of their own business. I will stay out of it. Then I write that I think I'm over him. That's too funny. I'm so far from over him. But I want to believe, if only for a moment, that I am. I want to be free of the pain. All day I talked myself into believe that he's so much happier without me and that I'm the one who's not good enough. It was pretty sick. I'm glad this day is over.
Wednesday morning, I wake up feeling pretty icky. I remind myself that it's not all about me and that God has my back. I remind myself that I don't NEED this man and that's the key. I just want hm. I also remind myself that I've ended relationships abruptly in the past and thought of how those people might have felt. Then I got into a place of empathy for them. I had the wonderful pleasure of giving my lovely sponsor her 23 year sobriety coin and chairing the meeting with her and another beautiful friend. Then, I burned my 4th step with my sponsor. OH WOW!!! That was something else. If felt empowering. This was the first day I didn't shed tears. I'm so proud of myself.
Thursday, I paid for not crying the day before. Oh my gosh. The pain is so bad, it feels like I'm back in week one. I'm obsessing over whether he's dating already. I'm terrified of running into him with a another woman. I'm terrified of him being much happier without me. I want so badly for him to love me as much as I love him and so all day I feel and I feel and I feel and I want to drink again. By the time evening rolls around, I'm getting to a better place. Had my meeting and that always makes me feel better. Wishing the time would just heal me quicker.
Friday is the first day that I didn't wake with the sadness of loss. I woke with HOPE. And as soon as I realize it, fear sets in. I'm really a mess here. I can't figure out which emotion to have. I finished the book I'm reading "A Return to Love" and it is so beautiful. I'm suddenly starting to realize that I have a very deep rooted fear of the changes that are taking place in my life. I'm terrified of what the outcome will be. Living in the day is not coming easy. All I can think about is the why of the break up that I don't and may never have the answers to and the unknown of the future. My gratitude for what I have right here, right now, is not there. I have a long talk with my sponsor about where my head is at. I've decided that I'm very worried about him hurting my daughter. What if he starts dating and drops her like a hot potato. If he hurts her, I will be so mad at him. Thank God I talk to people before I send an email or text to him. Then I'm directed to do a 4th step on God. WHOA! That's intense. But I'm soooo willing to do whatever I need to do to stay sober and get happy.
Saturday marks four weeks. I can't believe it's been a month. There is still such a hole in my heart. It's so big. I miss him so much today. I wake up and want to roll over and find him next to me to cuddle with. I miss his smell, I miss his arms around me, I miss making us coffee and talking. I miss his daughter. I miss it all. I really believe that I had it all. I just wish he believed that. I'm beginning to feel like a desperate woman. I have NO IDEA how to be single. I have no idea what to do next. I'm resentful at having to figure out what to do every weekend. It's so depressing for me. I have hope that one day I will embrace this new life.
Sunday didn't bring much to the table. I wrote a letter to God and did some step work. Went to church and a meeting. Then home to hang with my kiddo. That's about it. Oh and I've cried everyday since Wednesday. I guess I'm not done yet.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Week 3 - Acceptance Begins (Slowly)
Week 3 is the beginning of things getting a little better. I begin to find some acceptance.
Monday, I met with a priest who is incredibly spiritual and we had an opportunity to talk. In church that Sunday I had gotten upset about my life, realizing that I have never let go (forgiven myself) of my past behaviors. Therefore, on Monday, I beat myself up mentally. Finally, I shared with a few people how I was feeling less than and telling myself that the man I'm grieving over didn't want me because I wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah and they all were wonderful and gave me good positive thoughts to think about myself, which helped. I'm getting impatient at this point. I've never grieved the loss of a man so hard and I'm becoming irritated with myself. I am ready to feel good again. And the compulsion to drink kicks in again. So to meetings and doing step work I go.
Tuesday, I begin to believe that I am worth loving. I'm still crying everyday because I just miss him so much and I love him so much, but I am finally beginning to understand or think that maybe this isn't about me not being good enough. Maybe this is about HIM and what he needs to do for himself to be happy. And then the question; Why couldn't he be happy with me? The next thought that opens the hole in my heart even wider; I've created this kind of pain for others. I've left men with notes on the counter, notes on the pillow and very little explanation. That's just who I was. But I AM NOT HER ANYMORE! I did change. And I will continue to change.
Wednesday I get to see my therapist. She's so amazing. I cry through nearly the entire session and her sweet loving voice tells me that it's OK for me to cry. Crying is healing and it's possible that I'm not just grieving over him, but all my past relationships that I never properly grieved over and the way they ended. This is a breakthrough for me. It's a completely foreign concept. So I allow myself to cry without being mean or mad at me anymore. A little more acceptance.
Thursday I wake up thinking about him and go to bed thinking about him and I really get upset about missing him and his daughter. I've cried over missing her over the last two weeks but today it hits me VERY hard. She's so cute and we connected so well and MY daughter gets to see her but I don't? This just sucks! Allowing myself to feel is so new and I'm really proud of myself for this. The emotions are still so raw. I've started writing my attributes and a gratitude list (at the suggestion of my therapist) everyday beginning today.
Friday, all I can think about his HIM. I pray and cry a LOT. Then a thought comes to mind (again). What if this isn't about YOU? What if this is an opportunity for him to grow. It's OK to love him but I need to let him go. I believe this so much, but my heart diligently says NO! His daughter is comes over to have her make-up done by my daughter (I was originally supposed to do it) for a Halloween party. I'm so sad...but then...my daughter texts me and says that his daughter wants to stay at our house until I get home from work. OMG!!!! I get to see her. I'm so excited, I leave work 10 min early. I get home and only get to visit for a few minutes because I have to get my daughter to a party and she needs to go to hers. She calls her dad to come get her and fortunately, I don't have to see him (it usually makes me cry). I get to spend the evening alone in TV land and I'm actually enjoying it.
Saturday are so hard. Those are the days I got to cook all of us breakfast and sit around drinking coffee and talking. It was usually the only time during the week that we really got to talk. I get up and I'm soooo busy, I don't have time to think. Today I decide to work on loving me more than him. I go to a meeting, then walking with a friend, then meeting with a sponsee, then to a swim meet, then home for 2 hours and off to a movie with a girlfriend and a late dinner. WHEW!!! This was the first night I've had fun in 3 weeks! Oh....don't worry...I had my cry time! :) Always.
Sunday I go to church and a meeting. Then home to sit in front of the TV. It's my new drug when I don't want to feel. I lose myself in it and don't think. Tonight I realize that this is what I've done and I give myself some time to think and feel...then off to bed. Week 3 comes to an end. Will the pain EVER stop??? It's gotten better but no where near gone. Time will tell!
Monday, I met with a priest who is incredibly spiritual and we had an opportunity to talk. In church that Sunday I had gotten upset about my life, realizing that I have never let go (forgiven myself) of my past behaviors. Therefore, on Monday, I beat myself up mentally. Finally, I shared with a few people how I was feeling less than and telling myself that the man I'm grieving over didn't want me because I wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah and they all were wonderful and gave me good positive thoughts to think about myself, which helped. I'm getting impatient at this point. I've never grieved the loss of a man so hard and I'm becoming irritated with myself. I am ready to feel good again. And the compulsion to drink kicks in again. So to meetings and doing step work I go.
Tuesday, I begin to believe that I am worth loving. I'm still crying everyday because I just miss him so much and I love him so much, but I am finally beginning to understand or think that maybe this isn't about me not being good enough. Maybe this is about HIM and what he needs to do for himself to be happy. And then the question; Why couldn't he be happy with me? The next thought that opens the hole in my heart even wider; I've created this kind of pain for others. I've left men with notes on the counter, notes on the pillow and very little explanation. That's just who I was. But I AM NOT HER ANYMORE! I did change. And I will continue to change.
Wednesday I get to see my therapist. She's so amazing. I cry through nearly the entire session and her sweet loving voice tells me that it's OK for me to cry. Crying is healing and it's possible that I'm not just grieving over him, but all my past relationships that I never properly grieved over and the way they ended. This is a breakthrough for me. It's a completely foreign concept. So I allow myself to cry without being mean or mad at me anymore. A little more acceptance.
Thursday I wake up thinking about him and go to bed thinking about him and I really get upset about missing him and his daughter. I've cried over missing her over the last two weeks but today it hits me VERY hard. She's so cute and we connected so well and MY daughter gets to see her but I don't? This just sucks! Allowing myself to feel is so new and I'm really proud of myself for this. The emotions are still so raw. I've started writing my attributes and a gratitude list (at the suggestion of my therapist) everyday beginning today.
Friday, all I can think about his HIM. I pray and cry a LOT. Then a thought comes to mind (again). What if this isn't about YOU? What if this is an opportunity for him to grow. It's OK to love him but I need to let him go. I believe this so much, but my heart diligently says NO! His daughter is comes over to have her make-up done by my daughter (I was originally supposed to do it) for a Halloween party. I'm so sad...but then...my daughter texts me and says that his daughter wants to stay at our house until I get home from work. OMG!!!! I get to see her. I'm so excited, I leave work 10 min early. I get home and only get to visit for a few minutes because I have to get my daughter to a party and she needs to go to hers. She calls her dad to come get her and fortunately, I don't have to see him (it usually makes me cry). I get to spend the evening alone in TV land and I'm actually enjoying it.
Saturday are so hard. Those are the days I got to cook all of us breakfast and sit around drinking coffee and talking. It was usually the only time during the week that we really got to talk. I get up and I'm soooo busy, I don't have time to think. Today I decide to work on loving me more than him. I go to a meeting, then walking with a friend, then meeting with a sponsee, then to a swim meet, then home for 2 hours and off to a movie with a girlfriend and a late dinner. WHEW!!! This was the first night I've had fun in 3 weeks! Oh....don't worry...I had my cry time! :) Always.
Sunday I go to church and a meeting. Then home to sit in front of the TV. It's my new drug when I don't want to feel. I lose myself in it and don't think. Tonight I realize that this is what I've done and I give myself some time to think and feel...then off to bed. Week 3 comes to an end. Will the pain EVER stop??? It's gotten better but no where near gone. Time will tell!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Week 2 - Eyes Opening
Each day in week #2 was a little more eye opening, but none were pain free.
I began my practice of meditation again. On Monday nothing too special happened. I went to work, cried at work. Went to my meeting and went home. I began to believe that my love for this man is unhealthy because I can't let go. In the same thought, I realized that nine days isn't nearly long enough to get over someone. All I can seem to do is question myself. Where did I go wrong? What's wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Negativity seems to be the only thought pattern I have.
Tuesday came the realization that I have an abnormal definition of intimacy. The only intimacy I've ever acknowledged is with a man. Now it's time to find out what intimate relationships with women and primarily myself can be like. I have a dinner with vendor reps on this night and it doesn't start until six. A book had been recommended to me by a friend so I go to the used bookstore to get it. Guess who is in the same shopping center having dinner? You guessed it. The great love I lost and his daughter. I am so nervous about running into them and fear sets in that maybe he's already seeing a new woman that I am shaking. I get my shopping done and get into my car and as I'm pulling out they are getting into his truck (without another woman). I see them as I'm getting ready to turn to the exit so instead I drive further through the parking lot to get out of the shopping center and lose it. I start calling everyone. I finally make it to dinner and because of my mind set, dinner isn't so fun. All I want is to go home and isolate. My wonderful sponsor tells me I'm putting too much pressure on myself to NOT see him and that I need to let it go. It's about NOT having a relationship. That's all.
Wednesday my daughter gets a driving lesson with him and when she gets home she tells me that he has explained to her why he broke up with me. She cannot remember what started this conversation she says, but that his reason was that I liked him more than he liked me. I was beside myself. I began crying and she went upstairs. I called him and asked him to NEVER discuss he and I with my daughter again. And after getting off the phone with him and having some time to process this, I was sickened by that description for our breakup. "LIKING EACH OTHER?" This is a man that I could truly see spending the rest of my life with but we only "liked" each other. Wow! I went to a new meeting that I had never gone to before. It's been a VERY sad day for me. I'm obsessing, but not about him. I'm obsessing about finding a way to not feel anymore. I can't take the pain anymore. I feel like Bella from the Twilight series when she describes the hole she feels in her heart when her Edward leaves her. The hole is so large and so empty and I can't seem to find a way to fill it. My faith in God is beginning to wane and the thought of drinking enters my mind. This is scary as hell. I start playing that scenario out in my mind. I knew I could shut off the feelings and numb myself. Fortunately I have enough recovery to keep myself from going to the store. I go home and go to bed.
Thursday comes and I'm angry all day. I mean pissed and then I'm asked to find a topic for our meeting. I can't remember what the topic was that I chose but it was right in line with where I am in life (par for the course). I cry through my entire share and tell on myself that I want to drink. This is a big deal to me since I've been sober for 5 years and suddenly I want to drink. What I'm beginning to understand is that much of those 5 years was spent in ego. I've not hit an emotional bottom like this in my life and checking out is my solution when things get tough. At this point, I really begin leaning on people harder. I'm terrified to get drunk but I REALLY WANT TO! I make it through another day.
Friday I am very sad (making up for my angry day I guess) and work sucks. My daughter has a driving lesson in my car that night and I have a Pampered Chef show to do for my friend who lives in my neighborhood. So I go to her house to drop my stuff off and then take my car back. As I'm leaving to walk to her house I see him pulling in and hiding so I don't have to see him. I know that he's only doing this because I told him that I didn't want to see him, but I feel very childish. So I go to his truck and tell him that it's OK (for me) to say hello and that we don't need to duck and run anymore every time we see one another. This is a huge growth step for me. I get to my friends house and can barely keep it together, but they help me through it.
Saturday is women's retreat time. My girlfriend and I decide to go down early so we can spend some time together and we have a very nice morning. When everyone else gets there we go for a long hike and I have the opportunity to do a 5th step with my sponsor on HIM. It's very painful. We have a nice time that night but I can't get off Facebook. I'm posting pictures like crazy and then he posts something about not having a life on a Saturday night. And his ex-girlfriend posts a comment on there to which he replies with an ROFL at the end. I'm more than devastated. This is literally two weeks to the day after we break up and he's communicating with his ex-girlfriend. I don't sleep that night (much) and when I do I have horrible dreams. So Sunday morning I decide it's time to shut my Facebook down. I post that I'm doing this and HE posts a comment on there. The of course, I reply and finally that night after taking my daughter to a movie, I shut it down. I true separation is now taking place and every time I take a step like this it's like breaking up all over again. I cry as soon as I get to bed and finally the weekend comes to an end and I sleep.
I began my practice of meditation again. On Monday nothing too special happened. I went to work, cried at work. Went to my meeting and went home. I began to believe that my love for this man is unhealthy because I can't let go. In the same thought, I realized that nine days isn't nearly long enough to get over someone. All I can seem to do is question myself. Where did I go wrong? What's wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Negativity seems to be the only thought pattern I have.
Tuesday came the realization that I have an abnormal definition of intimacy. The only intimacy I've ever acknowledged is with a man. Now it's time to find out what intimate relationships with women and primarily myself can be like. I have a dinner with vendor reps on this night and it doesn't start until six. A book had been recommended to me by a friend so I go to the used bookstore to get it. Guess who is in the same shopping center having dinner? You guessed it. The great love I lost and his daughter. I am so nervous about running into them and fear sets in that maybe he's already seeing a new woman that I am shaking. I get my shopping done and get into my car and as I'm pulling out they are getting into his truck (without another woman). I see them as I'm getting ready to turn to the exit so instead I drive further through the parking lot to get out of the shopping center and lose it. I start calling everyone. I finally make it to dinner and because of my mind set, dinner isn't so fun. All I want is to go home and isolate. My wonderful sponsor tells me I'm putting too much pressure on myself to NOT see him and that I need to let it go. It's about NOT having a relationship. That's all.
Wednesday my daughter gets a driving lesson with him and when she gets home she tells me that he has explained to her why he broke up with me. She cannot remember what started this conversation she says, but that his reason was that I liked him more than he liked me. I was beside myself. I began crying and she went upstairs. I called him and asked him to NEVER discuss he and I with my daughter again. And after getting off the phone with him and having some time to process this, I was sickened by that description for our breakup. "LIKING EACH OTHER?" This is a man that I could truly see spending the rest of my life with but we only "liked" each other. Wow! I went to a new meeting that I had never gone to before. It's been a VERY sad day for me. I'm obsessing, but not about him. I'm obsessing about finding a way to not feel anymore. I can't take the pain anymore. I feel like Bella from the Twilight series when she describes the hole she feels in her heart when her Edward leaves her. The hole is so large and so empty and I can't seem to find a way to fill it. My faith in God is beginning to wane and the thought of drinking enters my mind. This is scary as hell. I start playing that scenario out in my mind. I knew I could shut off the feelings and numb myself. Fortunately I have enough recovery to keep myself from going to the store. I go home and go to bed.
Thursday comes and I'm angry all day. I mean pissed and then I'm asked to find a topic for our meeting. I can't remember what the topic was that I chose but it was right in line with where I am in life (par for the course). I cry through my entire share and tell on myself that I want to drink. This is a big deal to me since I've been sober for 5 years and suddenly I want to drink. What I'm beginning to understand is that much of those 5 years was spent in ego. I've not hit an emotional bottom like this in my life and checking out is my solution when things get tough. At this point, I really begin leaning on people harder. I'm terrified to get drunk but I REALLY WANT TO! I make it through another day.
Friday I am very sad (making up for my angry day I guess) and work sucks. My daughter has a driving lesson in my car that night and I have a Pampered Chef show to do for my friend who lives in my neighborhood. So I go to her house to drop my stuff off and then take my car back. As I'm leaving to walk to her house I see him pulling in and hiding so I don't have to see him. I know that he's only doing this because I told him that I didn't want to see him, but I feel very childish. So I go to his truck and tell him that it's OK (for me) to say hello and that we don't need to duck and run anymore every time we see one another. This is a huge growth step for me. I get to my friends house and can barely keep it together, but they help me through it.
Saturday is women's retreat time. My girlfriend and I decide to go down early so we can spend some time together and we have a very nice morning. When everyone else gets there we go for a long hike and I have the opportunity to do a 5th step with my sponsor on HIM. It's very painful. We have a nice time that night but I can't get off Facebook. I'm posting pictures like crazy and then he posts something about not having a life on a Saturday night. And his ex-girlfriend posts a comment on there to which he replies with an ROFL at the end. I'm more than devastated. This is literally two weeks to the day after we break up and he's communicating with his ex-girlfriend. I don't sleep that night (much) and when I do I have horrible dreams. So Sunday morning I decide it's time to shut my Facebook down. I post that I'm doing this and HE posts a comment on there. The of course, I reply and finally that night after taking my daughter to a movie, I shut it down. I true separation is now taking place and every time I take a step like this it's like breaking up all over again. I cry as soon as I get to bed and finally the weekend comes to an end and I sleep.
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