Week five and six both comprised of me starting to learn who I am. While there was still some sobbing and crying every day, it wasn't just about Him anymore. I was starting to understand that I have a lot of baggage that I have not worked through. I've learned that 5 years of sobriety, while a good thing, must be done with rigorous honesty and that was a piece I had been missing. Not because I wasn't willing to do the work and be honest but because it just wasn't time yet for me to see all this. I have learned so much about myself. I haven't seen Him since Halloween and that's been very healing for me. I needed to get my head cleared and that's not so easy when the one major thing that sets me back becomes visible to me on a semi regular basis. So two weeks of no visual was a relief.
I've spent all of my spare time with my 16 year old daughter and/or girl friends who are so amazing and I'm so grateful to them. What strength they bring me! I had a very fun theme party at my house with the women who are closest to me. We had a ball. I've had a couple of friends over just to watch a movie and make homemade pizzas. I've seen a couple of movies with girlfriends. What I haven't done yet, is date myself. But I'm beginning to set goals and that's fun. Especially when I'm learning to love myself enough to believe I can fulfill them.
The holidays are rolling around though and that's going to be tough. I'm doing some volunteer work and buying for the needy. That will be very rewarding. My daughter and I will spend time together but fortunately for her, she has family here on her father's side so she won't be stuck with me all the time. I try to stay in the day, but can't help but wonder what my mood will be like.
So I'm writing this one on Monday the 21st of November. Yesterday was Sunday and I went to the movies with my daughter, His daughter and two other friends. When we dropped off his daughter he was sitting in his truck. I thought I was so much better, but I learned yesterday that I am not. Seeing him sent me into a spiral that caused me to cry like a baby and my head to really go crazy (I had racked up 2 or 3 days without crying prior to that). I text a few close friends and ended up talking to a couple of them and started feeling better but still not great. Today I have been OK. Talked a little more about it and then suddenly felt my mood shift a little and some girl power kick in.
So many, if not all, of my friends tell me that this most "perfect" man that I have been grieving over is not the one for me but because he treated me so well, he set the bar so high that the next relationship I'm in will be the someone amazing. I can't wrap my head around anyone better than him right now and I have seen way too many movies because I keep thinking of scenes from movies that match my current status in life. That makes me laugh. However, I will get to a point one day where I will be the strong independent woman that I aspire to be and I will be happy single and loving ME! It's coming. I just need to be patient (which is not one of my virtues).
So now you are all up to date and my posts from here on out will be current. Until next time....enjoy life!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Week 4 - Beginning to Awaken
As week four rolls around, things are starting to get a little less intense.
Monday is Halloween and I know that his daughter is supposed to be coming over to get her makeup done again. I anticipate that they will be done before I get off work so I make arrangements to miss my meeting and go straight home so I can hand out candy to the little trick-or-treaters because I just love them. I'm so excited. Well, low and behold, my daughter's plans get canceled and he can't bring over his daughter until 6:00 because she has her after school martial arts class. So I go home and then she shows up and of course, is sweet as can be and very excited to be there. She gets her makeup done only to tell us that she has no one to trick-or-treat with. So, she ends up spending the entire evening with us. I'm so pleased and she snuggles right up to me and we watch TV together (all three of us, my daughter too) and we laugh and have so much fun. I make hot cocoa for them and she hands out the candy to all the trick-or-treaters. It's a wonderful evening. Then he comes to get her and they leave and I cry. Why do I cry? Why do I allow the pain in? My daughter says to me that I can't see him anymore. She's so sweet and quite protective of her mother, I'm learning.
Tuesday morning I write in my journal that I have decided to allow my daughter and her relationship with him to be of their own business. I will stay out of it. Then I write that I think I'm over him. That's too funny. I'm so far from over him. But I want to believe, if only for a moment, that I am. I want to be free of the pain. All day I talked myself into believe that he's so much happier without me and that I'm the one who's not good enough. It was pretty sick. I'm glad this day is over.
Wednesday morning, I wake up feeling pretty icky. I remind myself that it's not all about me and that God has my back. I remind myself that I don't NEED this man and that's the key. I just want hm. I also remind myself that I've ended relationships abruptly in the past and thought of how those people might have felt. Then I got into a place of empathy for them. I had the wonderful pleasure of giving my lovely sponsor her 23 year sobriety coin and chairing the meeting with her and another beautiful friend. Then, I burned my 4th step with my sponsor. OH WOW!!! That was something else. If felt empowering. This was the first day I didn't shed tears. I'm so proud of myself.
Thursday, I paid for not crying the day before. Oh my gosh. The pain is so bad, it feels like I'm back in week one. I'm obsessing over whether he's dating already. I'm terrified of running into him with a another woman. I'm terrified of him being much happier without me. I want so badly for him to love me as much as I love him and so all day I feel and I feel and I feel and I want to drink again. By the time evening rolls around, I'm getting to a better place. Had my meeting and that always makes me feel better. Wishing the time would just heal me quicker.
Friday is the first day that I didn't wake with the sadness of loss. I woke with HOPE. And as soon as I realize it, fear sets in. I'm really a mess here. I can't figure out which emotion to have. I finished the book I'm reading "A Return to Love" and it is so beautiful. I'm suddenly starting to realize that I have a very deep rooted fear of the changes that are taking place in my life. I'm terrified of what the outcome will be. Living in the day is not coming easy. All I can think about is the why of the break up that I don't and may never have the answers to and the unknown of the future. My gratitude for what I have right here, right now, is not there. I have a long talk with my sponsor about where my head is at. I've decided that I'm very worried about him hurting my daughter. What if he starts dating and drops her like a hot potato. If he hurts her, I will be so mad at him. Thank God I talk to people before I send an email or text to him. Then I'm directed to do a 4th step on God. WHOA! That's intense. But I'm soooo willing to do whatever I need to do to stay sober and get happy.
Saturday marks four weeks. I can't believe it's been a month. There is still such a hole in my heart. It's so big. I miss him so much today. I wake up and want to roll over and find him next to me to cuddle with. I miss his smell, I miss his arms around me, I miss making us coffee and talking. I miss his daughter. I miss it all. I really believe that I had it all. I just wish he believed that. I'm beginning to feel like a desperate woman. I have NO IDEA how to be single. I have no idea what to do next. I'm resentful at having to figure out what to do every weekend. It's so depressing for me. I have hope that one day I will embrace this new life.
Sunday didn't bring much to the table. I wrote a letter to God and did some step work. Went to church and a meeting. Then home to hang with my kiddo. That's about it. Oh and I've cried everyday since Wednesday. I guess I'm not done yet.
Monday is Halloween and I know that his daughter is supposed to be coming over to get her makeup done again. I anticipate that they will be done before I get off work so I make arrangements to miss my meeting and go straight home so I can hand out candy to the little trick-or-treaters because I just love them. I'm so excited. Well, low and behold, my daughter's plans get canceled and he can't bring over his daughter until 6:00 because she has her after school martial arts class. So I go home and then she shows up and of course, is sweet as can be and very excited to be there. She gets her makeup done only to tell us that she has no one to trick-or-treat with. So, she ends up spending the entire evening with us. I'm so pleased and she snuggles right up to me and we watch TV together (all three of us, my daughter too) and we laugh and have so much fun. I make hot cocoa for them and she hands out the candy to all the trick-or-treaters. It's a wonderful evening. Then he comes to get her and they leave and I cry. Why do I cry? Why do I allow the pain in? My daughter says to me that I can't see him anymore. She's so sweet and quite protective of her mother, I'm learning.
Tuesday morning I write in my journal that I have decided to allow my daughter and her relationship with him to be of their own business. I will stay out of it. Then I write that I think I'm over him. That's too funny. I'm so far from over him. But I want to believe, if only for a moment, that I am. I want to be free of the pain. All day I talked myself into believe that he's so much happier without me and that I'm the one who's not good enough. It was pretty sick. I'm glad this day is over.
Wednesday morning, I wake up feeling pretty icky. I remind myself that it's not all about me and that God has my back. I remind myself that I don't NEED this man and that's the key. I just want hm. I also remind myself that I've ended relationships abruptly in the past and thought of how those people might have felt. Then I got into a place of empathy for them. I had the wonderful pleasure of giving my lovely sponsor her 23 year sobriety coin and chairing the meeting with her and another beautiful friend. Then, I burned my 4th step with my sponsor. OH WOW!!! That was something else. If felt empowering. This was the first day I didn't shed tears. I'm so proud of myself.
Thursday, I paid for not crying the day before. Oh my gosh. The pain is so bad, it feels like I'm back in week one. I'm obsessing over whether he's dating already. I'm terrified of running into him with a another woman. I'm terrified of him being much happier without me. I want so badly for him to love me as much as I love him and so all day I feel and I feel and I feel and I want to drink again. By the time evening rolls around, I'm getting to a better place. Had my meeting and that always makes me feel better. Wishing the time would just heal me quicker.
Friday is the first day that I didn't wake with the sadness of loss. I woke with HOPE. And as soon as I realize it, fear sets in. I'm really a mess here. I can't figure out which emotion to have. I finished the book I'm reading "A Return to Love" and it is so beautiful. I'm suddenly starting to realize that I have a very deep rooted fear of the changes that are taking place in my life. I'm terrified of what the outcome will be. Living in the day is not coming easy. All I can think about is the why of the break up that I don't and may never have the answers to and the unknown of the future. My gratitude for what I have right here, right now, is not there. I have a long talk with my sponsor about where my head is at. I've decided that I'm very worried about him hurting my daughter. What if he starts dating and drops her like a hot potato. If he hurts her, I will be so mad at him. Thank God I talk to people before I send an email or text to him. Then I'm directed to do a 4th step on God. WHOA! That's intense. But I'm soooo willing to do whatever I need to do to stay sober and get happy.
Saturday marks four weeks. I can't believe it's been a month. There is still such a hole in my heart. It's so big. I miss him so much today. I wake up and want to roll over and find him next to me to cuddle with. I miss his smell, I miss his arms around me, I miss making us coffee and talking. I miss his daughter. I miss it all. I really believe that I had it all. I just wish he believed that. I'm beginning to feel like a desperate woman. I have NO IDEA how to be single. I have no idea what to do next. I'm resentful at having to figure out what to do every weekend. It's so depressing for me. I have hope that one day I will embrace this new life.
Sunday didn't bring much to the table. I wrote a letter to God and did some step work. Went to church and a meeting. Then home to hang with my kiddo. That's about it. Oh and I've cried everyday since Wednesday. I guess I'm not done yet.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Week 3 - Acceptance Begins (Slowly)
Week 3 is the beginning of things getting a little better. I begin to find some acceptance.
Monday, I met with a priest who is incredibly spiritual and we had an opportunity to talk. In church that Sunday I had gotten upset about my life, realizing that I have never let go (forgiven myself) of my past behaviors. Therefore, on Monday, I beat myself up mentally. Finally, I shared with a few people how I was feeling less than and telling myself that the man I'm grieving over didn't want me because I wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah and they all were wonderful and gave me good positive thoughts to think about myself, which helped. I'm getting impatient at this point. I've never grieved the loss of a man so hard and I'm becoming irritated with myself. I am ready to feel good again. And the compulsion to drink kicks in again. So to meetings and doing step work I go.
Tuesday, I begin to believe that I am worth loving. I'm still crying everyday because I just miss him so much and I love him so much, but I am finally beginning to understand or think that maybe this isn't about me not being good enough. Maybe this is about HIM and what he needs to do for himself to be happy. And then the question; Why couldn't he be happy with me? The next thought that opens the hole in my heart even wider; I've created this kind of pain for others. I've left men with notes on the counter, notes on the pillow and very little explanation. That's just who I was. But I AM NOT HER ANYMORE! I did change. And I will continue to change.
Wednesday I get to see my therapist. She's so amazing. I cry through nearly the entire session and her sweet loving voice tells me that it's OK for me to cry. Crying is healing and it's possible that I'm not just grieving over him, but all my past relationships that I never properly grieved over and the way they ended. This is a breakthrough for me. It's a completely foreign concept. So I allow myself to cry without being mean or mad at me anymore. A little more acceptance.
Thursday I wake up thinking about him and go to bed thinking about him and I really get upset about missing him and his daughter. I've cried over missing her over the last two weeks but today it hits me VERY hard. She's so cute and we connected so well and MY daughter gets to see her but I don't? This just sucks! Allowing myself to feel is so new and I'm really proud of myself for this. The emotions are still so raw. I've started writing my attributes and a gratitude list (at the suggestion of my therapist) everyday beginning today.
Friday, all I can think about his HIM. I pray and cry a LOT. Then a thought comes to mind (again). What if this isn't about YOU? What if this is an opportunity for him to grow. It's OK to love him but I need to let him go. I believe this so much, but my heart diligently says NO! His daughter is comes over to have her make-up done by my daughter (I was originally supposed to do it) for a Halloween party. I'm so sad...but then...my daughter texts me and says that his daughter wants to stay at our house until I get home from work. OMG!!!! I get to see her. I'm so excited, I leave work 10 min early. I get home and only get to visit for a few minutes because I have to get my daughter to a party and she needs to go to hers. She calls her dad to come get her and fortunately, I don't have to see him (it usually makes me cry). I get to spend the evening alone in TV land and I'm actually enjoying it.
Saturday are so hard. Those are the days I got to cook all of us breakfast and sit around drinking coffee and talking. It was usually the only time during the week that we really got to talk. I get up and I'm soooo busy, I don't have time to think. Today I decide to work on loving me more than him. I go to a meeting, then walking with a friend, then meeting with a sponsee, then to a swim meet, then home for 2 hours and off to a movie with a girlfriend and a late dinner. WHEW!!! This was the first night I've had fun in 3 weeks! Oh....don't worry...I had my cry time! :) Always.
Sunday I go to church and a meeting. Then home to sit in front of the TV. It's my new drug when I don't want to feel. I lose myself in it and don't think. Tonight I realize that this is what I've done and I give myself some time to think and feel...then off to bed. Week 3 comes to an end. Will the pain EVER stop??? It's gotten better but no where near gone. Time will tell!
Monday, I met with a priest who is incredibly spiritual and we had an opportunity to talk. In church that Sunday I had gotten upset about my life, realizing that I have never let go (forgiven myself) of my past behaviors. Therefore, on Monday, I beat myself up mentally. Finally, I shared with a few people how I was feeling less than and telling myself that the man I'm grieving over didn't want me because I wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah and they all were wonderful and gave me good positive thoughts to think about myself, which helped. I'm getting impatient at this point. I've never grieved the loss of a man so hard and I'm becoming irritated with myself. I am ready to feel good again. And the compulsion to drink kicks in again. So to meetings and doing step work I go.
Tuesday, I begin to believe that I am worth loving. I'm still crying everyday because I just miss him so much and I love him so much, but I am finally beginning to understand or think that maybe this isn't about me not being good enough. Maybe this is about HIM and what he needs to do for himself to be happy. And then the question; Why couldn't he be happy with me? The next thought that opens the hole in my heart even wider; I've created this kind of pain for others. I've left men with notes on the counter, notes on the pillow and very little explanation. That's just who I was. But I AM NOT HER ANYMORE! I did change. And I will continue to change.
Wednesday I get to see my therapist. She's so amazing. I cry through nearly the entire session and her sweet loving voice tells me that it's OK for me to cry. Crying is healing and it's possible that I'm not just grieving over him, but all my past relationships that I never properly grieved over and the way they ended. This is a breakthrough for me. It's a completely foreign concept. So I allow myself to cry without being mean or mad at me anymore. A little more acceptance.
Thursday I wake up thinking about him and go to bed thinking about him and I really get upset about missing him and his daughter. I've cried over missing her over the last two weeks but today it hits me VERY hard. She's so cute and we connected so well and MY daughter gets to see her but I don't? This just sucks! Allowing myself to feel is so new and I'm really proud of myself for this. The emotions are still so raw. I've started writing my attributes and a gratitude list (at the suggestion of my therapist) everyday beginning today.
Friday, all I can think about his HIM. I pray and cry a LOT. Then a thought comes to mind (again). What if this isn't about YOU? What if this is an opportunity for him to grow. It's OK to love him but I need to let him go. I believe this so much, but my heart diligently says NO! His daughter is comes over to have her make-up done by my daughter (I was originally supposed to do it) for a Halloween party. I'm so sad...but then...my daughter texts me and says that his daughter wants to stay at our house until I get home from work. OMG!!!! I get to see her. I'm so excited, I leave work 10 min early. I get home and only get to visit for a few minutes because I have to get my daughter to a party and she needs to go to hers. She calls her dad to come get her and fortunately, I don't have to see him (it usually makes me cry). I get to spend the evening alone in TV land and I'm actually enjoying it.
Saturday are so hard. Those are the days I got to cook all of us breakfast and sit around drinking coffee and talking. It was usually the only time during the week that we really got to talk. I get up and I'm soooo busy, I don't have time to think. Today I decide to work on loving me more than him. I go to a meeting, then walking with a friend, then meeting with a sponsee, then to a swim meet, then home for 2 hours and off to a movie with a girlfriend and a late dinner. WHEW!!! This was the first night I've had fun in 3 weeks! Oh....don't worry...I had my cry time! :) Always.
Sunday I go to church and a meeting. Then home to sit in front of the TV. It's my new drug when I don't want to feel. I lose myself in it and don't think. Tonight I realize that this is what I've done and I give myself some time to think and feel...then off to bed. Week 3 comes to an end. Will the pain EVER stop??? It's gotten better but no where near gone. Time will tell!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Week 2 - Eyes Opening
Each day in week #2 was a little more eye opening, but none were pain free.
I began my practice of meditation again. On Monday nothing too special happened. I went to work, cried at work. Went to my meeting and went home. I began to believe that my love for this man is unhealthy because I can't let go. In the same thought, I realized that nine days isn't nearly long enough to get over someone. All I can seem to do is question myself. Where did I go wrong? What's wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Negativity seems to be the only thought pattern I have.
Tuesday came the realization that I have an abnormal definition of intimacy. The only intimacy I've ever acknowledged is with a man. Now it's time to find out what intimate relationships with women and primarily myself can be like. I have a dinner with vendor reps on this night and it doesn't start until six. A book had been recommended to me by a friend so I go to the used bookstore to get it. Guess who is in the same shopping center having dinner? You guessed it. The great love I lost and his daughter. I am so nervous about running into them and fear sets in that maybe he's already seeing a new woman that I am shaking. I get my shopping done and get into my car and as I'm pulling out they are getting into his truck (without another woman). I see them as I'm getting ready to turn to the exit so instead I drive further through the parking lot to get out of the shopping center and lose it. I start calling everyone. I finally make it to dinner and because of my mind set, dinner isn't so fun. All I want is to go home and isolate. My wonderful sponsor tells me I'm putting too much pressure on myself to NOT see him and that I need to let it go. It's about NOT having a relationship. That's all.
Wednesday my daughter gets a driving lesson with him and when she gets home she tells me that he has explained to her why he broke up with me. She cannot remember what started this conversation she says, but that his reason was that I liked him more than he liked me. I was beside myself. I began crying and she went upstairs. I called him and asked him to NEVER discuss he and I with my daughter again. And after getting off the phone with him and having some time to process this, I was sickened by that description for our breakup. "LIKING EACH OTHER?" This is a man that I could truly see spending the rest of my life with but we only "liked" each other. Wow! I went to a new meeting that I had never gone to before. It's been a VERY sad day for me. I'm obsessing, but not about him. I'm obsessing about finding a way to not feel anymore. I can't take the pain anymore. I feel like Bella from the Twilight series when she describes the hole she feels in her heart when her Edward leaves her. The hole is so large and so empty and I can't seem to find a way to fill it. My faith in God is beginning to wane and the thought of drinking enters my mind. This is scary as hell. I start playing that scenario out in my mind. I knew I could shut off the feelings and numb myself. Fortunately I have enough recovery to keep myself from going to the store. I go home and go to bed.
Thursday comes and I'm angry all day. I mean pissed and then I'm asked to find a topic for our meeting. I can't remember what the topic was that I chose but it was right in line with where I am in life (par for the course). I cry through my entire share and tell on myself that I want to drink. This is a big deal to me since I've been sober for 5 years and suddenly I want to drink. What I'm beginning to understand is that much of those 5 years was spent in ego. I've not hit an emotional bottom like this in my life and checking out is my solution when things get tough. At this point, I really begin leaning on people harder. I'm terrified to get drunk but I REALLY WANT TO! I make it through another day.
Friday I am very sad (making up for my angry day I guess) and work sucks. My daughter has a driving lesson in my car that night and I have a Pampered Chef show to do for my friend who lives in my neighborhood. So I go to her house to drop my stuff off and then take my car back. As I'm leaving to walk to her house I see him pulling in and hiding so I don't have to see him. I know that he's only doing this because I told him that I didn't want to see him, but I feel very childish. So I go to his truck and tell him that it's OK (for me) to say hello and that we don't need to duck and run anymore every time we see one another. This is a huge growth step for me. I get to my friends house and can barely keep it together, but they help me through it.
Saturday is women's retreat time. My girlfriend and I decide to go down early so we can spend some time together and we have a very nice morning. When everyone else gets there we go for a long hike and I have the opportunity to do a 5th step with my sponsor on HIM. It's very painful. We have a nice time that night but I can't get off Facebook. I'm posting pictures like crazy and then he posts something about not having a life on a Saturday night. And his ex-girlfriend posts a comment on there to which he replies with an ROFL at the end. I'm more than devastated. This is literally two weeks to the day after we break up and he's communicating with his ex-girlfriend. I don't sleep that night (much) and when I do I have horrible dreams. So Sunday morning I decide it's time to shut my Facebook down. I post that I'm doing this and HE posts a comment on there. The of course, I reply and finally that night after taking my daughter to a movie, I shut it down. I true separation is now taking place and every time I take a step like this it's like breaking up all over again. I cry as soon as I get to bed and finally the weekend comes to an end and I sleep.
I began my practice of meditation again. On Monday nothing too special happened. I went to work, cried at work. Went to my meeting and went home. I began to believe that my love for this man is unhealthy because I can't let go. In the same thought, I realized that nine days isn't nearly long enough to get over someone. All I can seem to do is question myself. Where did I go wrong? What's wrong with me? Why am I unlovable? Negativity seems to be the only thought pattern I have.
Tuesday came the realization that I have an abnormal definition of intimacy. The only intimacy I've ever acknowledged is with a man. Now it's time to find out what intimate relationships with women and primarily myself can be like. I have a dinner with vendor reps on this night and it doesn't start until six. A book had been recommended to me by a friend so I go to the used bookstore to get it. Guess who is in the same shopping center having dinner? You guessed it. The great love I lost and his daughter. I am so nervous about running into them and fear sets in that maybe he's already seeing a new woman that I am shaking. I get my shopping done and get into my car and as I'm pulling out they are getting into his truck (without another woman). I see them as I'm getting ready to turn to the exit so instead I drive further through the parking lot to get out of the shopping center and lose it. I start calling everyone. I finally make it to dinner and because of my mind set, dinner isn't so fun. All I want is to go home and isolate. My wonderful sponsor tells me I'm putting too much pressure on myself to NOT see him and that I need to let it go. It's about NOT having a relationship. That's all.
Wednesday my daughter gets a driving lesson with him and when she gets home she tells me that he has explained to her why he broke up with me. She cannot remember what started this conversation she says, but that his reason was that I liked him more than he liked me. I was beside myself. I began crying and she went upstairs. I called him and asked him to NEVER discuss he and I with my daughter again. And after getting off the phone with him and having some time to process this, I was sickened by that description for our breakup. "LIKING EACH OTHER?" This is a man that I could truly see spending the rest of my life with but we only "liked" each other. Wow! I went to a new meeting that I had never gone to before. It's been a VERY sad day for me. I'm obsessing, but not about him. I'm obsessing about finding a way to not feel anymore. I can't take the pain anymore. I feel like Bella from the Twilight series when she describes the hole she feels in her heart when her Edward leaves her. The hole is so large and so empty and I can't seem to find a way to fill it. My faith in God is beginning to wane and the thought of drinking enters my mind. This is scary as hell. I start playing that scenario out in my mind. I knew I could shut off the feelings and numb myself. Fortunately I have enough recovery to keep myself from going to the store. I go home and go to bed.
Thursday comes and I'm angry all day. I mean pissed and then I'm asked to find a topic for our meeting. I can't remember what the topic was that I chose but it was right in line with where I am in life (par for the course). I cry through my entire share and tell on myself that I want to drink. This is a big deal to me since I've been sober for 5 years and suddenly I want to drink. What I'm beginning to understand is that much of those 5 years was spent in ego. I've not hit an emotional bottom like this in my life and checking out is my solution when things get tough. At this point, I really begin leaning on people harder. I'm terrified to get drunk but I REALLY WANT TO! I make it through another day.
Friday I am very sad (making up for my angry day I guess) and work sucks. My daughter has a driving lesson in my car that night and I have a Pampered Chef show to do for my friend who lives in my neighborhood. So I go to her house to drop my stuff off and then take my car back. As I'm leaving to walk to her house I see him pulling in and hiding so I don't have to see him. I know that he's only doing this because I told him that I didn't want to see him, but I feel very childish. So I go to his truck and tell him that it's OK (for me) to say hello and that we don't need to duck and run anymore every time we see one another. This is a huge growth step for me. I get to my friends house and can barely keep it together, but they help me through it.
Saturday is women's retreat time. My girlfriend and I decide to go down early so we can spend some time together and we have a very nice morning. When everyone else gets there we go for a long hike and I have the opportunity to do a 5th step with my sponsor on HIM. It's very painful. We have a nice time that night but I can't get off Facebook. I'm posting pictures like crazy and then he posts something about not having a life on a Saturday night. And his ex-girlfriend posts a comment on there to which he replies with an ROFL at the end. I'm more than devastated. This is literally two weeks to the day after we break up and he's communicating with his ex-girlfriend. I don't sleep that night (much) and when I do I have horrible dreams. So Sunday morning I decide it's time to shut my Facebook down. I post that I'm doing this and HE posts a comment on there. The of course, I reply and finally that night after taking my daughter to a movie, I shut it down. I true separation is now taking place and every time I take a step like this it's like breaking up all over again. I cry as soon as I get to bed and finally the weekend comes to an end and I sleep.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Day 8 & 9 - Weekend #2
Well, now we are into the weekend after. It's been one week to the day since the changing point in my life. I have plans. I'm meeting my girlfriend (the one working on the intense inventory) for coffee and doing some major step work and then picking up another girlfriend at the end of her marathon to spend the day with her. I am so frustrated with having to keep myself so busy. But I'm doing what I'm told.
The step work is good and intense. Taking this hard of a look at myself is not easy. I don't like who I used to be and living with some of the things I've done is painful. My understanding is that by working through this past of mine will reap amazing rewards later. I'm trying so hard to have faith. But I'm just not there yet.
Then I pick my girlfriend up from the park after her marathon and we go to her house. She has the most amazing son who occupies my time so well. I'm truly grateful for this little kiddo. I take tons of pictures and post them on Facebook. I'm thinking manipulatively (which I'm not proud of) in that I'm wanting him to see the pics and miss me. I'm constantly posting pictures on Facebook. She and I go shopping and hang out for a few hours and then I'm off to go home to meet up with another girlfriend who's coming over.
I make brownies in my cast iron pan and they are delicious. We hang out for the evening until way past my normal bed time and catch up. She has a similar story to mine with the break up and I listen to what she has to say and she listens to me and gives me some great feedback.
She goes home and I go to bed and cry again. I've cried off and on all day. But I'm not crying as much by this point.
Sunday is church and meeting day and I have no memory of what happens after that.
Week two is quickly approaching!
The step work is good and intense. Taking this hard of a look at myself is not easy. I don't like who I used to be and living with some of the things I've done is painful. My understanding is that by working through this past of mine will reap amazing rewards later. I'm trying so hard to have faith. But I'm just not there yet.
Then I pick my girlfriend up from the park after her marathon and we go to her house. She has the most amazing son who occupies my time so well. I'm truly grateful for this little kiddo. I take tons of pictures and post them on Facebook. I'm thinking manipulatively (which I'm not proud of) in that I'm wanting him to see the pics and miss me. I'm constantly posting pictures on Facebook. She and I go shopping and hang out for a few hours and then I'm off to go home to meet up with another girlfriend who's coming over.
I make brownies in my cast iron pan and they are delicious. We hang out for the evening until way past my normal bed time and catch up. She has a similar story to mine with the break up and I listen to what she has to say and she listens to me and gives me some great feedback.
She goes home and I go to bed and cry again. I've cried off and on all day. But I'm not crying as much by this point.
Sunday is church and meeting day and I have no memory of what happens after that.
Week two is quickly approaching!
Day 5 - 7 The Slowest Week of My Life
Wednesday through Friday consisted of me floating through life. I went to work, I cried, I went home, I cried. My beautiful daughter was amazing through this whole week. She was supportive and loving and kind and had my back. I literally felt light headed all the time. Nothing felt real. Nothing felt tangible. The only thing I felt was pain.
Thursday night I had coffee with a girlfriend and my homegroup meeting. I cried in the meeting the whole time. My wonderful friends just surrounded me and loved me and got me through the meeting.
Friday I met with my sponsor for lunch and she was amazing. She always brings God back into the picture for me. She always tries to get me to stay in the moment and out of the past or future (things we cannot change and have no control over). I cried all through lunch. Then that night my daughter was driving again with the now ex-boyfriend. I had an unexpected guest show up who thankfully was there when my daughter showed back up. Seeing him is so hard. And so I cried more!
I keep talking about all this crying, because it's so new for me. I've never in my 35 years felt raw emotion like this. I've never been so desperate to change me. I've never wanted to die like this before and I've never felt so hopeless. I really want to stress that during this blogging because I have faith that the other side of this will be so wonderful like I keep hearing and I want to share the joy as much as I'm sharing the pain. So wish me luck!
Thursday night I had coffee with a girlfriend and my homegroup meeting. I cried in the meeting the whole time. My wonderful friends just surrounded me and loved me and got me through the meeting.
Friday I met with my sponsor for lunch and she was amazing. She always brings God back into the picture for me. She always tries to get me to stay in the moment and out of the past or future (things we cannot change and have no control over). I cried all through lunch. Then that night my daughter was driving again with the now ex-boyfriend. I had an unexpected guest show up who thankfully was there when my daughter showed back up. Seeing him is so hard. And so I cried more!
I keep talking about all this crying, because it's so new for me. I've never in my 35 years felt raw emotion like this. I've never been so desperate to change me. I've never wanted to die like this before and I've never felt so hopeless. I really want to stress that during this blogging because I have faith that the other side of this will be so wonderful like I keep hearing and I want to share the joy as much as I'm sharing the pain. So wish me luck!
Day 4 - The First Communication
Tuesday was not much better than Monday in the way of my sadness. Actually it was no better; crying all day was what I did. My work angel was there to hear me, love me and share with me. She continued to bring God into my head as I worked desperately to keep all thoughts except the loss out. She gently spoon fed me little bits of spirituality all day. She gave me tissues and hugs and shared tears with me (only hers were of the joy she feels in sharing her spiritual awakening).
I made it through another day at work (which I don't really remember what took place that day other than crying) and then had an Intergroup meeting. I am the chairperson for Intergroup so I had no choice but to be there and I'm supposed to be trying to stay busy. UGH! So off to the meeting I go where I get to act as if. I actually was able to put things out of my head for an hour.
One thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post titled Day 1 was that the day he broke up with me, he said that he really wanted to be my friend...he was BSing me but that he didn't want me to agree to be his friend if I was hoping he would change how he feels about me and that he was willing to continue teaching my daughter how to drive (because I don't have the patience to work with her). So on this day (#4) the man whom I'm missing so much is teaching my daughter how to drive while I'm at the meeting. And I beat them home. I had prayed on my way home that if I was meant to see him, I would deal with it. And when I got home and saw that they weren't there yet, I knew I needed to talk to him. I sent him a text and asked if we could talk and he said sure. Then he walked in and said hello as if it were just another day. New heartbreak! My head told me he really doesn't care. But my heart won't believe that. I gave him his stuff back and he had returned mine and we stepped outside to talk. I proceeded to tell him that there was no way I could be his friend and have no motive. I said that I was taking six months to heal and learn to love myself and I told him that I hoped that one day he would open his heart to love again (internally hoping it would be me). I have seen what he is like when his heart was opened and he was offering love and it's AMAZING! I told him that I wasn't pushing him out of my life but that I wasn't willing to have any kind of relationship with him until I was healed. He was very cooperative and said he would respect that but that he would mark his calendar for when I would be available again. This wasn't good for my head either as it made think that maybe he really does love me and it gave me false hope.
I cried again on this night and eventually fell asleep waking at 4:00AM (which I had been doing for days now).
I made it through another day at work (which I don't really remember what took place that day other than crying) and then had an Intergroup meeting. I am the chairperson for Intergroup so I had no choice but to be there and I'm supposed to be trying to stay busy. UGH! So off to the meeting I go where I get to act as if. I actually was able to put things out of my head for an hour.
One thing I forgot to mention in my earlier post titled Day 1 was that the day he broke up with me, he said that he really wanted to be my friend...he was BSing me but that he didn't want me to agree to be his friend if I was hoping he would change how he feels about me and that he was willing to continue teaching my daughter how to drive (because I don't have the patience to work with her). So on this day (#4) the man whom I'm missing so much is teaching my daughter how to drive while I'm at the meeting. And I beat them home. I had prayed on my way home that if I was meant to see him, I would deal with it. And when I got home and saw that they weren't there yet, I knew I needed to talk to him. I sent him a text and asked if we could talk and he said sure. Then he walked in and said hello as if it were just another day. New heartbreak! My head told me he really doesn't care. But my heart won't believe that. I gave him his stuff back and he had returned mine and we stepped outside to talk. I proceeded to tell him that there was no way I could be his friend and have no motive. I said that I was taking six months to heal and learn to love myself and I told him that I hoped that one day he would open his heart to love again (internally hoping it would be me). I have seen what he is like when his heart was opened and he was offering love and it's AMAZING! I told him that I wasn't pushing him out of my life but that I wasn't willing to have any kind of relationship with him until I was healed. He was very cooperative and said he would respect that but that he would mark his calendar for when I would be available again. This wasn't good for my head either as it made think that maybe he really does love me and it gave me false hope.
I cried again on this night and eventually fell asleep waking at 4:00AM (which I had been doing for days now).
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Day 3 - Facebook Made it Official
Monday! I have to go back to work. I have to face all the people I work with and try to keep it together for the entire day. How am I going to do this? How am I supposed to do my job when all I can think about is MY loss? Well, I went to work and sat at my desk and didn't speak (which is very unusual for me). Seldom have I ever let something disrupt me at work and keep me from talking to everyone. What I did do, was obsess. I was on Facebook all day long watching to see if he was going to change his "relationship status". I had been doing this all weekend also. Just watching and waiting and it was suggested that I change my status before he changed his, but I couldn't. I was living in the hope that he would change his mind.
The entire work day went by and it seemed that everyone knew that something was wrong with me and no one asked any questions. They just left me alone. I did my job and the day went by slower than any day I can remember in my life. All I wanted to do was hide under my covers and cry. And for the first time in my sobriety, I wanted to die. This was something I didn't think I could handle but fortunately for me I have enough sobriety that I knew what to do. I stayed on the phone texting women all day long and just trying to keep it together. I am so very blessed, by the way. I work with a woman who is also in recovery and I've confided in her for 5 years but in this period of my life, God pushed me to rely on her for support and the strength that I didn't have. I told her what was going on and she instantly became my rock. Her love and compassion for me got me through the day. I cried off and on all day and was able to go to her office and close the door and just listen to her experience and spirituality.
I left work that day and went to my meeting to open it up. This is the first meeting I've ever really cried in. I could barely talk when it was my turn to share. People are seeing my weak side and I'm very uncomfortable with this. I'm not a crier. I didn't cry in meetings when my ex-husband and I split up. I'm a southern woman. I'm designed to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that everything is wonderful. All southern resolve is lost now.
Finally the meeting came to an end and driving home I check my Facebook page. Typing this now, I can feel my heart drop a little as I am remembering what that feeling was like for me. He changed his relationship status. Suddenly, it was real. He wasn't changing his mind. He hadn't made a mistake. He really didn't want me. Crying and driving is a dangerous event. I cried so hard that when I finally got in touch with my friend who was walking me through this different kind of inventory I am doing I was hysterical on the phone with her. My cries, by the time I walked in my door, were coming in gasps that sounded more like hyperventilating. My friend suggested that I not allow my daughter to see me like that but that, so I ran upstairs but of course she heard me and came running because she thought someone had died. Little did she know it was me (metaphorically). After I calmed down we spoke about it and I explained to her what had happened. Being young, I'm quite sure she didn't understand why that would hurt me so bad, but for me, it was worse than the day he broke up with me. It made it real!
Sleep was once again evaded me and so I cried, a lot. Day three finally came to an end!
The entire work day went by and it seemed that everyone knew that something was wrong with me and no one asked any questions. They just left me alone. I did my job and the day went by slower than any day I can remember in my life. All I wanted to do was hide under my covers and cry. And for the first time in my sobriety, I wanted to die. This was something I didn't think I could handle but fortunately for me I have enough sobriety that I knew what to do. I stayed on the phone texting women all day long and just trying to keep it together. I am so very blessed, by the way. I work with a woman who is also in recovery and I've confided in her for 5 years but in this period of my life, God pushed me to rely on her for support and the strength that I didn't have. I told her what was going on and she instantly became my rock. Her love and compassion for me got me through the day. I cried off and on all day and was able to go to her office and close the door and just listen to her experience and spirituality.
I left work that day and went to my meeting to open it up. This is the first meeting I've ever really cried in. I could barely talk when it was my turn to share. People are seeing my weak side and I'm very uncomfortable with this. I'm not a crier. I didn't cry in meetings when my ex-husband and I split up. I'm a southern woman. I'm designed to plaster a smile on my face and pretend that everything is wonderful. All southern resolve is lost now.
Finally the meeting came to an end and driving home I check my Facebook page. Typing this now, I can feel my heart drop a little as I am remembering what that feeling was like for me. He changed his relationship status. Suddenly, it was real. He wasn't changing his mind. He hadn't made a mistake. He really didn't want me. Crying and driving is a dangerous event. I cried so hard that when I finally got in touch with my friend who was walking me through this different kind of inventory I am doing I was hysterical on the phone with her. My cries, by the time I walked in my door, were coming in gasps that sounded more like hyperventilating. My friend suggested that I not allow my daughter to see me like that but that, so I ran upstairs but of course she heard me and came running because she thought someone had died. Little did she know it was me (metaphorically). After I calmed down we spoke about it and I explained to her what had happened. Being young, I'm quite sure she didn't understand why that would hurt me so bad, but for me, it was worse than the day he broke up with me. It made it real!
Sleep was once again evaded me and so I cried, a lot. Day three finally came to an end!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Day 2 - Surreal
The entire evening of day one is a blur. I don't really remember much of it at all. I don't remember who I spoke to or what I did.
Day two rolled around and I made a choice to try to follow through with my plans. I got up and my wonderful friend Julie came over to go to church with me. It was so nice having her with me. I cried a lot. After church I went to a meeting with her and then for a hike with Julie and Sue and some other friends of Sue's. I intentionally kept busy for as long as I could. I text and talked to people all day and evening. But when I finally came home to spend some time alone, it was time. Too much pent up sadness was there and I had to let it loose. Therefore, I came home and allowed myself a couple of hours to cry. I remember feeling like my heart was dying. There was genuine pain in my heart and not like chest pains from anxiety, but true heart pain. This as a feeling I never could have imagined feeling. I remember talking to my sponsor. I also met my friend that night that was working on this intense inventory with me and did some work on that. Much more crying. It was during that meeting with my dear friend that I made the decision to take a six month break from ALL relationships with men unless I'm in a meeting or at work.
I can remember that I had gotten to a point in my life when I was OK being alone, but I just didn't spend long enough getting to know me and learning to really love me, before that special person came along, to be successful in a new relationship. So I tell myself every day that this time alone is a good thing. I believe that it is...but it's so hard to do it. I've put so much trust and reliance in my relationships with men throughout my years that I'm completely lost. So the journey continues. Day two finally ends and I try to sleep. Sleep doesn't come very easily to me at this time. This is the first time in my life that I can remember that a relationship ending has created so much internal turmoil. Now what am I supposed to do.
Day two rolled around and I made a choice to try to follow through with my plans. I got up and my wonderful friend Julie came over to go to church with me. It was so nice having her with me. I cried a lot. After church I went to a meeting with her and then for a hike with Julie and Sue and some other friends of Sue's. I intentionally kept busy for as long as I could. I text and talked to people all day and evening. But when I finally came home to spend some time alone, it was time. Too much pent up sadness was there and I had to let it loose. Therefore, I came home and allowed myself a couple of hours to cry. I remember feeling like my heart was dying. There was genuine pain in my heart and not like chest pains from anxiety, but true heart pain. This as a feeling I never could have imagined feeling. I remember talking to my sponsor. I also met my friend that night that was working on this intense inventory with me and did some work on that. Much more crying. It was during that meeting with my dear friend that I made the decision to take a six month break from ALL relationships with men unless I'm in a meeting or at work.
I can remember that I had gotten to a point in my life when I was OK being alone, but I just didn't spend long enough getting to know me and learning to really love me, before that special person came along, to be successful in a new relationship. So I tell myself every day that this time alone is a good thing. I believe that it is...but it's so hard to do it. I've put so much trust and reliance in my relationships with men throughout my years that I'm completely lost. So the journey continues. Day two finally ends and I try to sleep. Sleep doesn't come very easily to me at this time. This is the first time in my life that I can remember that a relationship ending has created so much internal turmoil. Now what am I supposed to do.
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